Clouds
by avian304
Summary: A Rei x Shinji FanFic. Rei has a serious problem and eventually finds solace in Shinji. Currently a work in progress. Chapter 8 up.
1. Chapter 1

Evax1

I could hear my own breath echoing in the empty stall as I breathed heavily. I dropped my bag onto the floor and grabbed my chest, trying to calm my racing heart.

I tried to steady my hands, but they had a mind of their own as they shook, out of my control.

I had no control over myself. A million things were happening all around me and I struggled to comprehend my surroundings. Bright colors assaulted my eyes as a looked around the stall.

There would be no need to lock the door; I reasoned to myself, most of the students would still be in class. And honestly, I didn't think I was capable to lock it even if I wanted to.

I didn't expect that the craving to come so quickly, right in the middle of class. It took me by surprise and required me to use every single ounce of will power to ask the professor to leave the classroom.

I sat down on the toilet, cradled my head in my shaking hands and tried to calm myself.

It didn't work. Instead I was assaulted by a wave of nausea that caused my mind to spin and my muscles to tense up. And then, as the previous dose of medication finally wore off, and the clouds in my head parted allowing my sun to shine through, I started to get angry. Angry that I needed to take medication, angry that I was sitting in a bathroom, angry that I had no real means to control myself, and finally, I was getting angry simply because I was getting angry.

My sanity was tearing itself apart. I wanted to scream, to hit; to release everything that was within me. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to handle it. I wanted to burn myself into nothing. I wanted to pour my burdens out. I felt like I was suffocating.

I struggled to maintain a train of thought as I slowly felt myself going insane. I knew that I couldn't wait any longer. I thrust my hand into my bag.

I couldn't find my medication.

I shuddered as I realized that I might've forgotten it at my apartment. Panic gripped my throat as I struggled to breathe and I searched frantically for what I was looking for.

Suddenly, my abdominal muscles cramped up, causing me to drop my bag onto the floor, spilling the contents. I fell from the toilet, clutching my stomach which forced me to crunch over into a fetal position. My body was starting to hurt. Nerves all over my body started shrieking as the familiar prickling sensation washed over my body. I felt like a fish out of water, helpless and alone.

Fighting against my body, I forced myself to uncurl and continued to search through my bag.

And then I found what I was looking for. It was the little orange bottle. Thank God.

As I held the bottle in my hand the panic slipped away from my body and I regained some control over myself. Sitting up, I propped myself against the toilet and opened the bottle. I turned it upside down and dumped the contents into my hand. There was only one pill left.

Bam!

My body jerked in surprise as the door to the restroom door suddenly opened. Luckily I had enough sense to close the stall door. Unfortunately, in my surprise I dropped the pill into the toilet.

Every muscle in my body was wound tight like guitar strings as I fought to control my breathing. Little beads of sweat were starting to form on my face. I waited for what seemed like an eternity before the other student left. Once they left I quickly turned over, thrust my hand into the toilet to pull the pill out of the water, walked out of the stall and proceeded to rinse it in the sink.

Normally I would be disgusted. But I didn't care right now. Everything that was safe, comforting and free was in this pill. And no matter where it had been, I didn't care.

My hands still shaking, I placed the pill into my mouth and swallowed.

I sat down on the floor next to the sink, hugging my knees and rocking myself until the familiar clouds once again formed in my mind and blocked out my shining sun.

* * *

Shinji watched Ayanami return to her seat after she gave a soft spoken apology and a little bow to the instructor for leaving class to use the restroom suddenly.

She then carefully sat down, clasped her hands over her desk and, as usual, looked out the window next to her.

Ayanami was back to normal. Shinji noticed, when she had asked to leave to the restroom she looked really bad; exhausted, as if she was using every ounce of her energy to remain stoic. But now she was back to her old self.

"Maybe she's on her period…" Shinji thought to himself. That would explain why she took her back pack with her.

But of course, Shinji didn't know for sure, so he ignored the whole thing and continued to listen to the instructor drone on about something regarding sea currents after the supposed asteroid strike on earth.

Bored, Shinji looked around the room. Touji had legs propped up on his desk and his baseball cap pulled over his face and was snoring slightly. Shinji wondered why the instructor didn't do anything. Next he saw Kensuke, who had his head propped up oh his hand and also looked like he was about to doze off. Right behind him was Asuka who, very uncharacteristically had fallen fast asleep and was drooling a little bit on her desk.

Shinji sighed and looked back at the professor again. As he leaned back in his chair, the clouds parted outside, radiating light through all the windows. Shinji could feel the sun warming his skin as sunlight shined through the window. It was a very pleasant sensation helped fight the boredom of the professors' class.

Suddenly feeling very comfortable with the sun warming him, Shinji too, started feeling his eyelids get heavy.

* * *

"Yo, shinji." I heard someone call out as I stood up to pack my bags, probably Suzuhara. "I heard that the new barbeque joint next to the school is awesome, we're going now, I'm starved."

I could hear Shinji struggling to argue his way out of his classmate's demands. But he soon caved in, same as always.

The final bell had rung and was now time for my commute home. I could feel the sun shining through the window. It hurt my eyes and burned my skin. I didn't like it.

As I placed my textbooks into my backpack, I noticed that the burning sensation from the sun had ceased. I looked up and saw the second looking down at me; she was standing on my desk.

"Hey Wonder girl, you should come with us."

I looked at the redhead, she looked was standing with one arm behind her back, her thin lips once curved once again into a forced smile.

"After all, we girls have to stick together right? I mean, I can't go to a barbeque joint when I'm going to be the only girl there." She said with faux friendliness.

I had no intention of going. I picked up my backpack, politely refused the Second's invitation and walked away, ignoring the Second who had rolled her eyes and remarked 'whatever'.

"Ayanami." I heard a different voice call out to me. "W-would, you like to join us for dinner?"

I turned around and saw the Third looking at me.

"I mean, it'll be fun, r-right?" he smiled nervously, "plus I heard that that new place really Is good…so…" Shinji struggled to maintain his composure. "I think we'd all like it if you'd join us."

"Not all of us." the Second spat after Shinji finished.

I looked at him for a moment, slightly taken aback at his request. I had no real intention of going. I had made that clear with the Second. And yet, something inside of me told me that maybe I should go if Ikari-kun wanted me to go. I don't know why I had accepted. But a distant part of me had convinced me to go; a cloudy part.

After I accepted Ikari's invitation, The Second rolled her eyes, "Of course it takes the boy to convince her to go." She muttered to herself, pretending that I couldn't hear her. "But whatever, I'm starving." She said cheerfully.

"Oh no, the demon is hungry." Aida muttered loudly to Suzuhara.

"If that's the case then I feel sorry for the child who's about to be sacrificed to her." Suzuhara joked.

The Second scowled at Suzuhara before she screamed at him to shut up, which Suzuhara refused to do and continued to tease her. As Ikari and Hikari joined in, I wondered to myself if accepting Ikari-kun's invitation was the wise thing to do.

I waited for a few moments, however the argument didn't seem to be ending, rather, it started to intensify.

"I will be waiting at the store." I said to nobody in particular.

I turned around and left the classroom, leaving them to argue amongst themselves. As I walked down the hallway it wasn't long before I heard the sound of footsteps running to catch up with me.

"A-ayanami." I heard Ikari-kun call out. I slowed down my walking speed slightly, giving him ample time to catch up with me.

I glanced to the side and saw him, slightly out of breath and his face a little bit red.

"You shouldn't leave without everyone." Ikari-kun gasped out, struggling to talk as he breathed heavily.

"…"

"B-besides, going as a group is always much more fun isn't it?"

I stopped walking, which seemed to surprise Ikari-kun a little, as he gave a tiny stumble before stopping. "…I'll wait." I said to him.

As I waited for the rest of Ikari-kun's friends to catch up I looked up. The sun had moved from its apex in the sky and was slowly moving west. It was no longer as bright, which was easier on my eyes. I'm still not sure why I decided to come. I was tired. My head still felt heavy, almost as if it was foggy. It was one of the symptoms of the medication. I felt detached, almost as if it wasn't me looking through my eyes but rather, my soul was somewhere else and I was in someone else's body, controlling their actions.

I glanced at Ikari-kun from the corner of my eyes. He seemed to notice my gaze and looked away quickly, blushing. He fidgeted slightly, as if uncomfortable to be with alone with me. I noticed him attempt to speak several times, however he always stopped himself before words came out of his mouth.

I ignored his odd behavior and waited with him for several more minutes. And then, I got curious.

"Ikari-kun." I turned around to face him.

"Hai, Ayanami?" Ikari-kun responded.

I looked at him and asked the question that had been nagging me since I agreed to his invitation. "Why… did you invite me?" I asked.

He looked confused as he searched for an answer, stumbling over his own words several times and he blushed, bright red, before he finally answered.

"You looked lonely…" Ikari-kun answered.

So he invited me because he thought I was lonely. I didn't know why, but I was disappointed with his response. What was I expecting him to say? What did I want him to say?

"I-I'm not saying that you are lonely," he quickly corrected himself, "I just assumed that…well…I've never seen you anywhere else except in school and in NERV. So I thought that maybe you'd like to do something."

I didn't respond to him, mainly because I didn't know what to say. Once classes were over I would always go back to my apartment, I would shower, and then I would sit and wait by the window for any calls that might come from NERV. And if there were no such calls I would go to sleep.

Lonely… maybe I was a little lonely. But how will I know if I am lonely if…

I've always been alone?

* * *

Shinji was a little unnerved from Rei's question. He had simply asked her to join out of goodwill, since she always seemed to be alone, he thought that she might've enjoyed coming along with them, since, he concluded, that the reason why Ayanami was so closed off might be because she never really had to opportunity to open up to anyone.

However, Shinji was worried that he might have insulted her with his comment that she seemed lonely.

"God, I'm so stupid." He chastised himself. Of course that's offensive! Saying that someone was lonely was the equivalent of telling them they had no family, friends, or anyone else that wanted to associate with them.

Feeling the pressure from the awkward silence that followed, Shinji attempted some light chat with Rei, which all seemed to fall short.

"Ikari-kun" Shinji heard Rei speak finally, breaking the silence. Shinji was a little surprised at how Rei looked right now. Normally her eyes were cloudy, almost soulless. However, right now Rei's eyes were… alive. It was as if a veil had been lifted behind them to allow her to see again. "I think…" Rei hesitated a little bit. "I think I might be…a little bit lonely."

Shinji sheepishly looked at Rei, unsure of how to respond to Rei's admission.

"I am alone." Rei whispered softly, this time with a little more force. She looked up at Shinji. "I do believe… that I would like to join you and your friends…"

"Hey! That's awesome!" Shinji brightened up instantly, feeling that the awkwardness had been broken. However, when he looked at Rei, she still looked a little bit unsure of herself. At least he thought that she was unsure of herself, it's not like Rei really showed her emotions… "Don't worry." Shinji said suddenly, causing Rei to look at him. "It's going to be fun." Shinji smiled nervously.

Rei pondered to herself for a moment then grabbed Shinji's wrist with her hand, "Let us continue to the restaurant." Rei started to walk while pulling Shinji along.

She has a lot of strength for someone so thin, Shinji thought as he was being pulled.

Suddenly, he heard a beeping sound. Rei instantly released Shinji's wrist and looked at her pager.

Placing her pager back into her backpack, Rei looked at Shinji.

"I have to go." She said before turning around and leaving Shinji, who could hear the footsteps of the rest of the group behind him.

"Ayanami…" Shinji whispered to himself slightly as his friends caught up with him.

* * *

"Hey, what's the problem man?" Touji asked Shinji cheerfully as the group marched on to the restaurant. "All bummed out that Ayanami couldn't make it?" Touji slapped Shinji on the back.

Shinji however, rolled his eyes, Ignored Touji and continued walking silently. What was bothering him wasn't that fact that Ayanami wasn't able to make it to the restaurant with everyone else. But rather, was because as soon as Ayanami answered her pager and left, her eyes once again were clouded over.


	2. Chapter 2

Clouds2

"Oh…My…GOD." Touji said as he exited the restaurant. "That was completely and utterly amazing." He patted his stomach happily, which had obviously increased in size.

"Yeah, I haven't had a meal like that in such a long time." Agreed Kensuke, who was also patting his now larger stomach.

"So what do you guys want to do next?" Touji asked excitedly while loosening his belt.

"I don't know… its sort of late now isn't it?" Shinji checked his watch; it was now almost nine o'clock. _I can't believe we spent almost 5 hours in that restaurant_, Shinji thought, now fatigued. Touji and Kensuke had made it a personal challenge to eat as much as humanly possible at the restaurant, which the restaurant manager found amusing…at least until three hours in and Touji and Kensuke had not stopped eating. In the end, the manager actually closed the shop early, claiming an 'emergency' in the kitchen had occurred.

"I can't believe that it's this late." Asuka looked around, noticing the hustle and bustle of the city. Tokyo-3 was renowned nationwide for its amazing nightlife, probably because most of the inhabitants never knew when the next Angel attack would be, and thus lived every night like it was going to be their last. Thankfully, the security was top notch as the city was basically one giant fortress under NERV supervision. And they couldn't allow things to get too out of control. But regardless, many inhabitants partied like there was "no tomorrow" so to speak.

As if to prove her point, a drunken business man clumsily bumped into Asuka.

"Oopshh…Shorry lady." The drunken man muttered to Asuka. He then wrapped his arms around a scanty clad girl, who looked at least half of his age, and walked off. "L-lets go to the hotel again tonigh' baybee." He said loudly as they wandered off.

"Disgusting…" She said to herself, wiping her arm as if she was worried that she was about to break out in hives.

"What are you talking about, too late?" Touji said furiously, after the drunk had wandered off. "The night is still young. We can't all just go home now. We have to go out and enjoy ourselves."

Still feeling kind of tired, Shinji tried to reason with Touji. "But all of us have school tomorrow."

"I bet that old geezer has work tomorrow also, but that doesn't seem to be stopping him from having the time of his life." Touji argued.

"But—"

"Maybe you should go home." Asuka interrupted. "That way maybe Misato-san can tuck you in at night while you hold you teddy bear. As for me," Asuka pointed at herself, "I am going to go enjoy myself."

Shinji turned red in the face; his masculinity was on the line. "Fine, let's go." He said finally.

"That's the spirit!" Touji said happily. Reaching into his backpack he pulled out a small piece of paper. "And with this list of agendas here, we're completely going to have a blast!" Touji thrust the piece of paper out dramatically for everyone to see.

Shinji frowned as he read the piece of paper, like Touji had claimed, it was a list of agendas for everyone in the group to do tonight. As he scanned the contents he got more and more uneasy as some of the things that Touji wanted everyone to do was probably illegal.

Then Shinji read an agenda that caught his attention. "Get Shinji and Ayanami to a love hotel?" He read aloud.

"Oops." Touji exclaimed in surprise. "I forgot to cross that one out." He took out a pencil and crossed out that agenda. "Oh well, guess maybe next time you'll succeed in asking her out."

"W-wait, what are you talking about?" Shinji said, "You were the one who told me to invite her."

Touji brushed off Shinji's comment and continued. "So what do you say people, we're all going to do what's on this list or what?"

"Sell the devil to a scientist so they can discover the cure to bitchiness?" Asuka read off the paper.

"Oh…" Touji said, suddenly silent. "I guess I forgot to erase that too." He then turned to Kensuke and whispered loudly. "She knows our plan"

"We're doomed" Kensuke responded with faux fear.

"Idiots." Asuka muttered to herself.

"Well, if we're not going to do what's this list, which I slaved away at during class mind you, what are we going to do instead?" Touji asked, crumpling his list up and throwing it into a trash can.

* * *

"Aren't you glad that you came out?" Misato asked for the hundredth time.

"Hmm, sure." Ritsuko replied, not really caring.

"Oh come on, you know it was time for you to get outside." Misato motioned to the bartender for more drinks. "Besides, with the clothes that I picked out for you, you're sure to attract tons of men." Misato had a sly look in her eyes.

Ritsuko felt slightly uncomfortable as she smoothed out her skirt, her very, short skirt. She couldn't believe that she actually agreed to let Misato pick out clothes for her; she mentally chastised herself for the hundredth time. Normally Ritsuko would never allow Misato to pick out clothes for her, however she strongly suspected that Misato had put a little *something* in her after coffee in order to coax her into agreeing.

Well, I guess it is rather nice to get outside_,_ Ritsuko reasoned, she had to admit, she was spending so much time at work that even she was starting to get a little bored with herself.

"That's the spirit." Misato cheered once she saw Ritsuko's look of resignation in her eyes. "Don't worry, it's going to be a blast, just like when we were in college."

Ritsuko raised one of her eyebrows at Misato. "In college, we never really got to hangout because you were spending half of your time with Kaji and your other half catching up with classes because you were spending time with him."

"Oh now you're just being silly." Misato taunted. "Trust me, there is nothing that could stop us from having fun right now."

"Ecks-scewse mee."

Misato heard someone talking to the bartender behind her.

"Kould aye haff, a bier pleeze?"

What an odd accent, Misato thought as she took another sip from her drink. Thinking that it sounded like someone she knew, she turned around only to see a weird looking man with a handlebar mustache, a beret, and a brown trench coat sitting on the barstool.

"Obviously some kid dressed up trying to get some alcohol, she thought to herself. Brushing it off, turned around to face Ritsuko. "Anyways—"

"Err..I-I would like to have a beer too, please?" Misato was interrupted again buy another young voice. However, this one sounded even more familiar, very familiar. In fact, it sounded like a certain 14 year old that she lived with.

"How old are you, son?" The bartender asked the other dressed up figure, who was now fidgeting nervously.

"I-I…umm…errrr"

Misato watch the person squirm uncomfortably as the bartender berated him, saying how minors should not enter and try to order alcohol from a pub. It was then that she noticed 3 other people sitting on the bar, one of them with bright red hair, one with pigtails and one with a pair of round glasses.

"Oh brother…" Misato groaned.

* * *

"I can't BELIEVE you all would try and pull a stunt like that."

Misato was livid. Because of the actions of these teens her night out with Ritsuko had been ruined. And to make things worse, she was SUPPOSED to be the guardian of two pilots. Misato rubbed her temples. If anyone at NERV found out that the pilots under her direct care had tried to sneak into a bar and purchase alcohol…

Needless to say, she wasn't NOT in a good mood.

"Well, I think I'll be heading off now." Ritsuko said after she had waited patiently for Misato to finish bitching at the 5 teenagers, who were now sitting seitza style in a line, with their heads bowed.

Even though all Shinji could hear was the complaints and shouts of Misato, as he looked at Asuka, Touji, Kensuke and even the class rep sitting along with him, heads bowed, he gave a little giggle.

"Is something funny, Shinji?" Misato snarled, annoyed that Shinji had the audacity to laugh in this situation.

"N-no ma'am!" Shinji replied nervously.

After giving Shinji a liberal amount of stink-eye Misato continued to berate the group.

"Idiot." Asuka whispered to Shinji, who was still chuckling.

* * *

I walked up the stairs to my apartment. The soft sound of construction surrounded me as I walked. The sound didn't bother me, as I had learned to live with it.

I approached my door, which was easily identifiable from the large amount of mail jammed into the mail slot. It was apartment 402. I was home.

As opened my door and entered my apartment, I removed my shoes and routinely placed them neatly in the corner of the entrance. Almost instantly, I greeted by the familiar, musky scent of my unkempt residence. I never bothered to clean up as it would just get dirty again, I had always reasoned with myself. After a few moments I got accustomed to the smell and I thought of it no further.

I placed my bag on my bed and checked the time. It was 8:03, time for my evening shower. I entered my bathroom, stripped off my clothes and turned on the shower. I tested the water temperature and once I was satisfied, I showered.

The water felt nice, it was warm and it soothed my body. Even while I was medicated I still found pleasure in taking a shower. So I stood there for a moment, simply enjoying the sensation of water as it ran over me. I then turned off the water and began shampooing my hair.

As I shampooed my hair, my mind started to wander. What was Ikari-kun was doing? Was he was still at the restaurant even now with his friends or had they finished and gone home. If he went to another restaurant, would he invite me again? Did he and his friends go out like this often, or was it just on that particular day they decided to go. Would I even have a chance of getting invited again?

Did he want to invite me again?

Did I want to get invited again?

I found myself standing completely still in the shower, as I got lost in thought I had forgotten to scrub my hair.

I berated myself for thinking unnecessary thoughts. I quickly resumed washing my hair; whether or not he was having fun was of no concern of mine. I was an EVA pilot, and that was my only concern.

Brushing away all thoughts of Ikari-kun I turned on the shower and rinsed my hair and washed the soap from my body. I then exited the shower, dried off and put on my pajamas.

I walked out of the shower and noticed that it was dark outside. I've taken up a habit of taking very long showers, as I found solace in being immersed in water.

I walked to my window and sat down on the chair next to it. Reaching into my backpack, I pulled out the bottle of pills, opened it, placed one of the pills into my mouth and swallowed. I placed the bottle back into my backpack and checked the time again.

It was 9:15, which meant that I had 45 minutes before it was time for me to go to sleep.

I folded my hands on my lap and looked out the window. Because I lived in an isolated area of the city, my surroundings were much darker. But I preferred it like this, stars were more clear as they didn't have as much competition from artificial light.

Every night I would do this; I would shower, take my medication and simply sit and stare out of the window until it was time for me to sleep. I did not have a television, despite being offered one many times by NERV personnel who had arranged my living quarters. Neither did I not have a radio; as a result it was quiet in my apartment, except of course for the rythmatic banging of construction that always hung around.

I looked at the city lights of the bustling downtown Tokyo-3 in the distance. At this very moment there were hundreds of thousands of people out, many of them staying up all night, with no regards to the sleep deprivation that they are putting their body through. I had to maintain a strict sleep schedule. If I was overly fatigued it could affect my sync rating…

So I sat here, on the chair next to the window for several moments, just staring at the stars and city. And then my mind started wandering to Ikari-kun again.

If I had been able to go with Ikari-kun, would I be out there right now, in the city, instead of sitting here in my apartment. Would I also, have stayed up all night, without any regards to fatigue, I wondered.

My thoughts were interrupted by a soft beeping. It was 10:00, it was time for me to go to sleep. I shut the window, turned off the lights and got into my bed. As I lay there, I wondered to myself, if Ikari-kun asked me to go again, would things be different?

Did I want things to change?

Did I want to stop being alone?

* * *

I awoke suddenly, jarred awake by the sharp ringing of my alarm. My body was heating up. Sweat stung my eyes and my heart was firing rapidly. I quickly reached for my medication, opened the bottle and swallowed a pill.

I quickly propped myself up and clutched my chest. My heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of my ribcage. I tilted my head back to clear out and relax my neck and throat.

Slow…deep…breaths. Slow…deep…breaths. I managed to control my breathing and eventually stopped hyperventilating. Once I got a grip over my body and my psyche I waited for the effects of the medication to kick in. After a few moments I felt myself calm down.

It was the same routine every morning; I would wake up and experience withdrawal symptoms. I would then quickly have to take my medication before the symptoms got too out of hand.

Once I had completely calmed down and the ringing in my ears subsided, I was once again greeted by the usual clanging of construction. My body was still shaking as I wiped the sweat from my forehead off with my blanket. I got out of bed, undressed myself and took my morning shower.

After my shower, I quickly dressed and had my typical morning breakfast: microwavable food provided by NERV. It was high in nutrients but lacked taste. It was disgusting.

After breakfast, I put on my shoes, went outside. I was instantly greeted by the cool morning air. It felt nice. I checked my watch. I was starting to run late.

Because of the time, I decided to take a different route to school; it was faster but was through a more populated area. I liked to walk alone.

As I turned a corner, I ran into Ikari-kun, who greeted me.

"Good morning, Ayanami-san." Ikari-kun said cheerfully.

"Good morning Ikari-kun." I responded. I didn't stop or turn around to face him.

"You wouldn't believe what happened yesterday!" Shinji began. "After the restaurant Touji decided that we should all do something fun, so we all tried to sneak into a bar." Ikari-kun blushed and laughed nervously. "I guess it wasn't the best idea, we all got caught by Misato-san and got a scolding."

Ikari-kun talked animatedly about the activities last night. He had really enjoyed himself and was still feeling yesterdays rush today.

I watched Ikari-kun smile as he talked. It was rare to see him happy as he was usually burdened by his role as an EVA pilot. He was usually quiet and solemn.

"Like me…" I concluded.

"Eh, did you say something Ayanami-san?" Ikari-kun asked.

"No, nothing." I replied.

"Oh...OK."

We continued walking to school. As we got closer, more and more students started showing up. Eventually, as we neared the entrance, Ikari-kun spoke up.

"Ayanami-san."

"Yes, Ikari-kun."

"If we decide to go out again, would you like to come with us?"

As I entered the premises of the school, I looked at Ikari-kun. He was blushing slightly, and his posture was slightly crooked, signs that he was anxious and nervous. I had my opportunity. He had asked me again. I opened my mouth to tell him yes, I would like to go out. But the words that I heard were not my own.

"Gomen-nasai, Ikari-kun." was all that I said to him.

Ikari-kuns eyes grew wide in shock, but were quickly replaced with disappointment and then embarrassment. "Oh…O-of course… hahaha...you're probably busy or something." Ikari-kun managed to stutter out.

Silence, neither Ikari-kun nor I spoke until we reached the classroom, in which we silently took our respective seats and begun class.

I stared out of the window. The wind was blowing softly, causing the branches and grass to swerve and wave. However, my mind was not as peaceful. As I sat silently on my seat, I kept asking myself, why? Why did I decline his offer?

For the rest of the day and night, I thought of nothing else until I fell asleep.

Would I get another chance?

* * *

"Another boring day…" Shinji thought to himself as he sat in the professor's class. Today's lecture was about the post 3rd impact reconstruction. Still boring though, Shinji thought to himself. Sighing, he looked at Rei.

It had been four days since he had re-asked Rei out on another get together. Although he was half expecting a refusal, it had now become somewhat uncomfortable between the two of them. Not that they really clicked together, mind you, but now whenever the two of them were left together Shinji just didn't know what to say. And as a result he had begun to avoid Rei altogether.

Rei, however, did not seem to be effected. But then again it was hard to tell what she was thinking anyways.

Shinji resigned himself, looked away from Rei and continued to listen to the professor's lecture, who was now saying something about the U.N. and how 3rd impact had actually thrust the organization into a position of true worldwide power.

Something hit him on the back of his neck.

Turning to see what it was, he found a little crumpled ball on his lap.

Shinji looked around to see who threw the ball of paper at him; he noticed Touji waving at him, making hand motions for him to read the paper.

Shinji uncrumpled the piece of paper. Written upon it was a message saying that Kensuke had managed to acquire 6 tickets to see a new horror movie that had recently been released and that everyone was going to go watch it today, the message was asking if he wanted to go.

Shinji turned around and gave Kensuke and Touji a secret thumbs up, signifying that he was going to go with them. However, Touji and Kensuke rolled their eyes and pointed at the paper again, motioning for him to reread it.

Confused, Shinji reread the paper but couldn't find anything of particular significance. He turned around to Touji and Kensuke who both sighed in exasperation. Touji then held up 6 fingers while Kensuke pointed towards his tickets.

Then it clicked in Shinji's head. 6 Tickets, however the 'gang' was only 5: him, Touji, Kensuke, Asuka and Hikari. Meaning that there would be one ticket left over, Touji then pointed in Rei's direction. Shinji now knew that Touji and Kensuke wanted Shinji to ask Rei out to join them again.

"No." Shinji mouthed to the two of them while shaking his head.

"Is there something that you'd like to share with the class, Ikari." The professor had finally noticed that Shinji was spending most of his time facing the wrong way during his lecture.

"Errr…n-no, sir." Shinji stuttered out, causing Touji and Kensuke to chuckle quietly at their friends expense.

* * *

Shinji was feeling uncomfortable as he walked out of the classroom. After class Touji and Kensuke had confronted Shinji, basically demanding him to invite Rei. Why they were so adamant on Rei joining then, he did not know. But they had declared, including Asuka and Hikari, interestingly enough, that if Shinji didn't manage to bring Rei along then he would not be allowed to partake in watching the movie tonight.

Shinji groaned as he walked towards Rei, who was eating her lunch under a large oak tree during lunch break.

"Ayanami." Shinji called out as he neared her. Rei stopped eating and looked up. Her eyes are still dull, Shinji noticed to himself in disappointment. During that one time several days ago when he had asked Rei to join him and his friends the first time, he thought he saw something change in her appearance. It was almost as if he had seen her true self, it was as if, for a brief moment, he had managed to see her true self. However as Rei looked at him now, her eyes were the same as usual; clouded, lifeless almost.

_Must've been my imagination_, Shinji thought to himself as he remembered the incident.

"Yes, Ikari-kun?" Rei said, bringing Shinji back to reality.

"Oh, ummm…errr…" Shinji fumbled around with his words. While Rei just stared at him expectedly. "I mean… Oh yeah!" Shinji finally remembered why he was here. "D-do you want to go with me and everyone else to watch a movie, Ayanami?"

Rei stared at Shinji for a moment. "Watch a movie?" was he asking for again? Even after she declined his second offer?

"Yeah, it's a new horror film recently released and Kensuke managed to get 6 tickets for everyone. Sooo…y'know, if you go that'd be 6 seats…" Shinji started feeling awkward at Rei, was had been staring at him silently. "…p-perfect for, y'know, 6 people…" Shinji trailed off.

The both of them stood in silence as Shinji waited for an answer from Rei, an answer which was taking a damn long time to come.

"B-but, you must be busy or something." Ikari said nervously, rubbing the back of his neck. "I guess you probably wouldn't go anyways, s-sorry for bothering you Ayanami." Shinji backed away, turned around and started to leave.

_Oh man that went badly,_ he berated himself as he walked off.

"Wait...Ikari-kun." He heard Rei call out. He turned around and was taken aback by her eyes. _I wasn't imagining it_, he thought. Her eyes was different again, no longer dull and lifeless but sparkling and bursting with energy.

"Wait…" she said again.

"Yeah, Ayanami?"

"I…" Rei struggled with herself. She felt like she was tearing herself apart. She felt lightheaded, dizzy, sick even. But somehow, despite all she was accustomed to, she managed to find the right words. "I…want to…go."

Shinji stared at her incredulously, shocked. Then he smiled.

"All right!" He said happily. "We're leaving right after school, so be prepared!"

"Yes." Rei replied. "I will be."

* * *

Authors note: Some feedback would be much appreciated. Tell me what you think, how I can improve, what you like or don't like…etc.

Thanks. ^-^


	3. Chapter 3

Clouds3

My pencil fell onto the floor again. It was the third time that this had happened today. I don't know why, but I was feeling…odd. Different. Even though my mind still felt as foggy and unclear as it usually did while I was medicated, my body almost had a mind of its own. During class I would play with my pencil, tapping it against my desk. Because of this I had dropped it several times.

As I reached down to pick up my pencil again, the professor gave me an accusing stare. He was surprised at how I was disrupting the class as I was normally very quiet.

"Are you OK, Ayanami-san?" The professor asked, unsure whether I was being disruptive intentionally or not.

"Yes, I am sorry, it won't happen again." I apologized and bowed towards him, receiving a curt snort and a slight nod from the professor. I placed my pencil into my backpack in order to prevent myself from fooling around with it again.

I sat down and tried to concentrate, unfortunately, I started to grind my knuckles and tap my fingers instead. What was the matter with me? I just couldn't seem to control myself. I forced myself to look out the window, trying to distract my thoughts and clear my mind. However, within a few moments I caught myself tugging on my fingers.

I didn't understand why I was acting so…restless.

"Ayanami-san" I heard someone whisper to me.

Turning around slightly I saw Kensuke grinning ear to ear. He placed his hands around his mouth and whispered, "No need to be so nervous, it's only a movie."

What was I supposed to say? I answered with an uncertain 'I understand' and turned back to face the professor, who had forgotten about me and was accusing another student of using his laptop to play video games.

Aida-kun thought I was nervous? Was I nervous? I pulled several strands of hair as I continued my self analysis.

Being nervous usually meant that someone was afraid or scared of something. Was I scared? I pulled my hair harder. What was I nervous about?

* * *

"Ayanami-san" The professor said for the third time. "Please excuse yourself from the classroom, you are disrupting the class. Please come back once you feel you are ready to participate and not be disruptive."

Rei quietly stood up, apologized, bowed and left the classroom.

_Wow_, Shinji thought he had never seen Rei act so WEIRD. She had been acting odd ever since lunch time. Shinji frowned; as it dawned to him that maybe it was him asking Rei to go to the movies that was the cause for her acting so weird. After all, she had never acted like that before.

Shinji sighed, maybe he shouldn't have asked her after all, it seemed like it was troubling her. Maybe he should just apologize to her and excuse her from joining them, she did seem rather hesitant in the first place.

"Oh man, I don't know what to dooo." Shinji muttered as he held his head in his hands, everything was starting to get really, really awkward.

However, his self pity was interrupted by a spit ball, courtesy of Touji.

* * *

"Wait, where are you guys going?"

"We're gonna go on ahead, Ayanami is taking too long." Touji answered for everyone in the group. "I mean, we can all wait here or the rest of us can go first while you wait for Ayanami."

Shinji's mouth dropped in surprise. "But why am I the only one who has to wait? Kensuke could just as easily take my place!" Shinji motioned to Kensuke, who merely shook his head in amusement.

"You FOOL." Touji shouted, causing Shinji to jerk in surprise. "Kensuke and I have *other plans* that we must attend to, and it is of utmost importance." He dramatically grabbed Shinji's shoulders. "So you are the only one who can do this."

"It better not be something perverted or illegal." Hikari chirped in, in full class rep mode. "The last plan you had that was of utmost importance landed you in detention for nearly two weeks. If you even *try* to do something don't think I won't hesitate to report you to—."

"Yeah, yeah, class rep. Your message was received loud and clear." Touji grinned mischievously and gave a secret thumbs up to Kensuke "Very clear." He whispered.

"What was that?" Hikari asked, looking at Touji in suspicion.

"Nothing class rep. Ha ha ha." Touji laughed nervously. He then turned back to Shinji. "But as I was saying, you're going to be the one who'll have to wait for Ayanami, since she got in trouble for disrupting the class today. "

Shinji stared at Touji in shock.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. Asking her to join us, which caused her to be so anxious that she got in trouble with the professor. Shame on you Shinji, just, just shame."

Shinji could not believe his ears. "But you guys basically forced me to ask her!" Shinji practically yelled, who was now embarrassed at the notion that he had to escort Rei by himself to the movie theater.

"Eh, technicalities." Touji shrugged his shoulders. Anyways, we'll be taking the ticket with us, so you have absolutely no choice but to wait and make sure Ayanami comes if you want to watch the movie."

"You know, I could just go home." Shinji said.

Touji and Kensuke grinned.

* * *

_I can't believe they took my wallet,_ Shinji thought as he waited for Rei at the front gate. Now he had absolutely no choice but to wait for Rei, if he wanted his wallet back that is. Shinji sighed and lay down next to a tree. Most of the students had left school. The only students that remained were mainly either training for sport matches, or in various clubs that required them to stay after school.

He was very aware of how he looked as he waited for Rei. His heart was beating hard in his chest. What if she got the wrong impression, with him standing here all by himself waiting for her? It did look rather, unnormal, with him just standing by himself. Would she think that he was trying to hook up with her or something?

"This is soo awkward." Shinji groaned and scratched his head. He sighed and noticed a nearby tree that was blocking the sun. He walked over and sat down under it.

Man, the weather feels nice, Shinji thought as he relaxed in the shade. Today was warmer than usual, however not uncomfortably so. Rather, it was just the right temperature for him to feel the heat warm his skin and have it feel comfortable.

As Shinji lay there, he closed his eyes, breathed deeply and simply enjoyed the sensation of doing nothing while listening to the ambience of students doing after school activities. He could hear the sound of wind blowing, causing the branches above him to rustle.

Suddenly, he felt a light tapping on his shoulder. Realizing that he had fallen asleep, he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes waited for a few moments for his eyes to become acquainted to the sunlight.

He didn't know what it was. Maybe it was because he was half asleep and half awake, or maybe it was simply the way the light shone through the leaves as he opened his eyes. But what he saw took his breath away.

The tree he was laying underneath had a wide canopy and thus most of him and Rei was covered in a light shadow. Little bits of light that managed to sneak through the gaps of the canopy were sparkling slowly as wind blew causing the branches and leaves above him to wave slightly. But it was who the lights were dancing on that made it incredible. Rei was standing over him, the silhouette of her body casting a dark shadow contrasting against the sparkling tree above him.

She had noticed that he had finally opened his eyes and she was looking straight back at him. The small dancing lights from the tree provided just enough light to accentuate her delicate features. And for a split second, Shinji thought that he was underwater.

However it was her eyes where what fascinated Shinji the most. He had noticed that her eyes were bright red the moment he met her, but he never gave it much thought before and had eventually become accustomed to her eyes. But now, as she looked down at him, once their eyes locked Shinji saw Rei's eyes like he'd never seen them before. They were bright red and because of the dancing lights around them, were shining as if there was a small kaleidoscope inside. And she was looking straight at him.

He couldn't take his eyes off of her. He no longer heard the background noise of school activities. And although he didn't realize it at the time, he finally understood what people meant when they said they could get lost in someone's eyes.

"Ikari-kun?"

Shinji snapped out of his trance and saw that Rei was staring straight back at him. Realizing that he had been staring at her for almost a whole minute he suddenly felt very foolish. Maybe she didn't notice, he hoped to himself. He wanted to apologize but was too flustered to do anything, much less for a sentence.

"Ikari-kun." Rei said again.

Unable to say anything, and face still bright red Shinji merely nodded.

"Your mouth is open..." Rei said simply.

Realizing that his mouth was indeed open, Shinji quickly snapped his jaw shut. However, in his embarrassment he had closed his jaw too quickly resulting in a loud clack as his teeth collided.

"Ouch, ow, ow." Shinji groaned as he rubbed now very sore jaw. After a few seconds he awkwardly looked at Rei, who was still standing over him, her head tiled slightly to the side.

She probably thinks I'm in incredible idiot, Shinji thought as he mentally squirmed in anguish. He needed to say something, anything to break the horrible silence that had fallen upon both of them.

"A-are you ready to go, Ayanami? He managed to stutter out.

But before Rei could answer, something amazing happened.

A gust of wind blew through the two of them, causing the leaves above to shake, and for just a moment, cause a large enough gap for ample light to shine through, illuminating both him and Rei as she stood over him. He could see every part of her face clearly now, from her bright red eyes, her light blue hair, to her soft lips; Shinji once again found him unable to speak as he simply lay there, awestruck at what he was seeing.

However what happened next, Shinji knew would remain in his memory forever.

In the midst of Shinji's silliness, Rei's eyes seemed to sparkle and dance as Shinji stared at her. Their eyes locked for a moment and she tilted her head…and smiled. Shinji couldn't believe what he was seeing. He had only seen Rei smile once, and that was during her conversation with his father. But this smile, was different. It was beautiful.

"Are you ready to go, Ikari-kun?" Rei asked.

Unbeknownst to Shinji, his jaw dropped again.

Authors notes: Short chapter. Didn't really think anything would fit after that last part. Sorry for the slow update, work and school makes things slow.


	4. Chapter 4

Eva4

I walked to the movie theatre as Ikari-kun talked animatedly about the movie that we were about to watch. Ever since I had caught him sleeping under the tree waiting for me, had had been acting strange, unnatural.

It was almost as if he had to force himself to talk around me, and when he wasn't talking he would always be fidgeting and staring at the floor. I don't know what could have caused this sudden change in his behavior, he was always more reserved compared to other people, but now it was even more obvious.

Perhaps I acted a little odd when I met him under the tree. I didn't feel like myself. Perhaps that is why he is acting so differently around me right now.

I held onto my arm as I walked next to him. Something was amiss. Although me and Ikari-kun had walked together multiple times in the past. This time there was something wrong. I did not understand what was happening between the two of us. But something had changed between the two of us. I didn't understand what it was, but at that moment when Ikari-kun looked at me under that tree, we changed.

I felt different.

Even though I was medicated I still felt the rare high of endorphins, the body's natural anti-depressants and pain killers running through my body. My body felt…light.

"Ayanami-san?" Ikari-kun spoke up suddenly.

I realized that I had stopped listening to Ikari-kun as I was focusing on what was happening between the two of us.

"Yes, Ikari-kun?"

"I…ummm… I'm sorry for what happened earlier." Ikari-kun said softly.

I looked at Ikari-kun, who was staring at his feet as he talked to me. "What are you sorry for, Ikari-kun?" I asked.

"Erm…well, f-for what happened underneath the t-tree." He stuttered. "I'm sorry for s-staring at you so weirdly like that." Ikari-kun blushed.

I did not understand. Why was he apologizing? He did not physical harm me in any way. Nor did he do something to cause me harm.

"I do not understand, Ikari-kun" I admitted to him. I looked up at him, he was staring back at me, fidgeting slightly "why are you sorry for staring at me?"

Ikari-kun struggled to answer that question. He fidgeted and looked at his feet as he fought to keep his composure.

What was this feeling? I looked away from Ikari-kun and looked at my hands. They had started sweating. I wiped my hands on my shirt, only to discover that I was breathing more frequently, and my pulse was elevated. I closed my hands into fists, clenching my shirt. It was the same feeling that I had felt when I was in class. Aida-kun had claimed that I was nervous. Is that what I was feeling again right now? Was I nervous again?

I didn't know. One of the side effects of my medication was that most of my emotions were always dulled out. But for some reason, today was very different. It was almost as if something had managed to penetrate the fog that was within my mind. I...felt today. And it bothered me.

It felt unnatural.

Maybe it was because of the medication, but I had never cared about me. If I were to die, I would think nothing of it.

That was how I understood myself. It was me. But I was now starting to get confused. Unfamiliar emotions that I had never felt before were stirring inside my soul. I felt trapped in my skin. Not knowing what to do. Or how to react. These new feelings were bothering me, they were uninvited.

I looked up. The sky was light blue with just enough cloud peppered around to fill the void of the empty sky while not blocking any sun. It was pleasant.

"Because I think I might have made you uncomfortable…" Ikari-kun finally answered.

I looked at him. His eyes were sullen and uncomfortable. But...they weren't ugly, I realized. And for a brief moment, I wondered what he thought of my eyes.

Did he think they were nice? Maybe he disliked them. I never liked my eyes.

I did not like red.

I realized I had lost my train of thought again, and quickly thought about how to answer Ikari-kun's question. He reasoned that staring at me had made me uncomfortable. I gripped my sweaty palm tight. I was feeling uncomfortable, or maybe I was feeling different. Was this all a result of him starting at me? Was this the reason he was apologizing?

I opened my mouth to accept his apology, to assure him that this situation that I was placed under was of no importance. And that I could deal with it.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't accept his apology. It's true that I was feeling uncomfortable, and confused. But there was something inside me telling me not to apologize.

I looked into his eyes again, this time he looked straight back at me. And it was then that I knew. I was uncomfortable, yes. But at the same time, it wasn't so bad... I did not want to deter him from looking at me. I did not know why the thought of him not looking at me bothered me, but it did.

"No…Ikari-kun." I looked at him as he stared back at me with his brown eyes. "You did not make me uncomfortable... " I answered him. But then, almost against my will, I spoke, "you never did." I answered him.

My answer seemed to surprise him, as he did not answer for a few moments. But then his eyes changed. They grew larger and sparkled as a grin spread across his face.

"I-I see… that's good to know, Ayanami-san."

I silently turned away from him. I couldn't look at him anymore. My stomach felt nauseous, my mouth was slightly dry and my muscles felt jittery. I was feeling…nervous?

Perhaps...perhaps I was feeling nervous.

And as I walked side by side with Ikari-kun, I knew... I wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

When we arrived at the movie theater the rest of Ikari-kun's friends were waiting in front of the movie theatre for us.

It was the first time that I had ever been to such an establishment, the movie theater was connected to a large mall. All around me were lots of people, approximately my age, mingling around, looking at movie times and conversing excitedly. Some were wearing the same school uniform as me, but most of them were wearing uniforms from different schools.

I looked at the large TV screen above me, it showed different movies along with their designated Showtime.

People were staring at me. Several times I caught glimpses of people staring and children pointing at my direction. It wasn't surprising, after all, people fear what they do not know and do not understand. And I was different. I stroked my blue hair blinked my red eyes and turned to face Ikari-kun who was talking to Suzuhara. Something about demanding his wallet back.

"Alright, alright." Suzuhara-kun reached into his backpack and returned Ikari-kun his wallet, who quickly placed it back into his backpack before zipping it up rapidly. "Anyways, you two came at just the right time." Suzuhara-kun checked his watch. "The movie is just about to start, let's get going."

"Here's your ticket." A curt voice came from behind. I looked around and saw the 2nd, with her arm extended, handing me a ticket. "Here, take it." She thrust the ticket into my hands. "I'm only doing this because Hikari asked me to, just so you know," she explained.

I didn't understand.

Seeing my lack of comprehension she rolled her eyes. "It's the ticket for the seat next to the dumbkompf, Hikarai didn't want Touji or Kensuke giving it to you because she thought it might be too obvious."

Too obvious? I still didn't understand.

She saw that I still didn't understand. "Bah, whatever, I don't care. Personally I think what everyone is trying to do is sick. They just don't seem to understand that two negatives don't' always make a positive." And with that Asuka walked to Ikari-kun. She slapped him on the head and handed his ticket to him.

"Ow, what was that for Asuka?" Ikari-kun demanded as he rubbed his head.

"Eh." She shrugged, brushing off Ikari's question and turned to face Hikari, cheerful again. "Come, let's go! The movie is about to start."

I don't think I'll ever understand the second. I looked at my ticket. Row 20 seat 12. I then followed everyone into the theater.

It was bright. The walls were covered in posters and neon lights. Giant LCD TV's were flashing commercials for different upcoming movies. People were waiting in line at the snack counter, ordering popcorn and soda's before their movie started and running around.

Everyone had decided to forgo the snack counter as most of them couldn't afford the elevated prices that movie theatres charged.

Except for the Second.

She ordered two huge buckets of popcorn, soda's, ice cream and candy for her and Hikari-san. When Aida or Suzuhara attempted to steal some of her food they were quickly hit on the arm.

Me, Ikari-kun and the rest entered the movie theatre and took our respective seats. But before I reached my seat, Aida-kun motioned to me, beckoning for me to listen to him.

He pulled me away from the rest and whispered into my ear. "Just wanted you to know, when Shinji gets scared, hold his hand, it'll make him feel better."

I looked at Suzuhara, not understanding why he was telling me this bit of information. "…Why…will holding his hand make him feel…better?"

"It just will, trust me." And with that Aida-kun winked and ran off to join Suzuhara-kun.

Me holding Ikari-kun's hand… I walked over to my seat number and sat down. Ikari-kun was already seated next to me.

"Are you sure you want to sit here?" Ikari-kun asked me nervously. We were isolated from the rest of his friends. In fact, we were at the very rear of the movie theater, "I mean, if you wanted you could maybe switch with someone so you could be near the rest of them…y'know, closer to the screen..."

I looked at Ikari-kun as the movie theater lights slowly dimmed down. "I am fine Ikari-kun."

The movie was starting.

It was an odd movie. And 30 seconds later I stood up.

"Where are you going, Ayanami-san?"" Ikari-kun asked.

"The movie is over," I replied.

Ikari-kun looked at me incredulously and then stifled a laugh. "No, no, that was a commercial." He then looked at me semi-seriously, "You've never watched a movie before?

"…No…" I replied, still standing. Ikari-kun looked like he didn't know what to say. But he soon regained his composure and beckoned me to sit down.

"Well, you might as well take a seat, because the movie is going to start soon." He pushed my seat down. Without looking, I sat down on the seat. And on his hand.

Ikari-kun quickly jerked his hand back. He looked like he was about to say something, but with a loud scream, the movie started.

* * *

It was a horror movie. Somewhat interesting…I guess. The story was about boy who witnessed his father, depressed with his life, murdering his own family while he hid in the closet. The father was eventually shot by the police and the boy was subsequently haunted by his father, who was trying to complete his unfinished work.

It made no sense. How could a soul, still lingering on earth without a physical body to occupy cause any harm, or even be in existence? When people die their souls leave their bodies behind and their souls go into the Room of Gaffs. Where they wait with other souls to be reborn into the world. But yet this spirit had not joined the others in the Room of Gaffs. A soul without a body is like letters without a piece of paper to be upon. The letters are real, but need a physical medium to be placed into existence. Destroy the paper, and the letters fade away with it. And yet this soul was still active on earth, causing physical harm. It was absurd.

I looked away from the movie and touched the top part of my hand. I was a blank piece of paper. The letters on me were not my own.

I heard a small gasp and turned to look at its source. Ikari-kun was tense and gripping the sides of his seats tightly. His eyes were wide. He was obviously afraid from what he was seeing in the movie. And I suddenly remembered Aida-kun's advice. Since Ikari-kun was scared now, does that mean I'm supposed to hold his hand?

I felt my pulse elevate. I was feeling…odd… again. By now I had forgotten completely about the movie, and was focused on Ikari-kun.

I lifted my hand from my arm rest and slowly and carefully placed it on top of Ikari-kun's hand.

He froze. For a moment I wondered if I made things worse. He still seemed tense, and his eyes were still wide. However it was no longer directed at the movie and instead he looked at my hand and then his gaze followed my arm up to my eyes.

He was looking straight at me now.

By now my heart was beating so hard I felt a little faint.

I felt compelled to speak. "There…is no need to be afraid, Ikari-kun." He looked confused for a moment. So I spoke again. "It's OK." It was the only thing that I was able to say. It was the only thing that was on my mind.

Neither of us spoke for a moment. And after a while, his surprised face faded away and was he was calm.

Ikari-kun nodded, and smiled slightly. I felt fingers grasp my hand. He had turned his hand over and was now holding my hand as I was holding his. He turned back to watch the movie. It was serene.

I tried to continue watching the movie, but I was too aware of my hand. I could feel every finger around mine. I felt him twitch during parts of the movie. I felt him squeeze during particularly intense moments. I felt him relax, I felt him shiver, I felt him sweat. I felt him.

The rest of the movie passed by in a flash. Before I knew it, the movie had ended and the credits had started rolling.

Neither of us moved. Everyone around us started standing up and leaving the theater. But we sat there. I turned to look at him. He was already looking at me.

"Ayanami-san..." Ikari-kun started to say, however, he was immediately interrupted by loud catcalling and whoops coming from beside us. In a flash, Ikari-kun quickly yanked his hand back.

The rest of the group was standing to the side of us.

"Oh MAN!" Suzuhara-kun yelled out loudly. "I knew my plan was dope but I didn't expect it to be THIS amazing!"

Ikari-kun blushed bright red.

* * *

"Oh man, I can't believe you would put the movies on her so fast!" Touji whispered to Shinji. Kensuke, Touji and Shinji were walking home after the movie. The three of them were walking in the back, while the ladies, Asuka, Hikari and Rei were walking in front. "I mean, I thought that the two of you would sit next to each other, but I didn't expect the both of you to start holding hands so soon!"

"W-well... she held my hand first..." Shinji protested weakly, to no avail.

"I can't believe that you would let him hold your hand, Ayanami-san!" Hikari said to Rei. "I mean, you're both in high school, you both know that the two of you should be focusing on your studies rather than doing...er...anything. And what if a teacher came and saw you? Both of you could get in so much trouble! Right Asuka?" Hikari turned to Asuka, encouraging her to agree with her.

Asuka shrugged. "Those two weirdo's can do whatever they want. As long as they keep their gross perverted stuff away from me."

"Asuka!" Hikari shrieked indignantly, shocked at her friends bluntness, who simply shrugged. "Anyways, after what I saw, it is obvious to me that I cannot leave the two of you alone together anymore. Whenever the two of you are together I'll have to be around to make sure that the two of you don't try anything weird."

"Oh come on class rep." Touji ran up to the group of girls, grinning.

"Don't you class rep me. I know that was your idea to get the two of them hitched, but I didn't know that it would progress this fast." Hikari glared at Touji.

"And I'm damn proud of what I've accomplished too." Touji walked next to Hikari. "Who else can get two people together this quick?

Asuka rolled her eyes, "You guys are so stupid." She muttered, Touji however, just flashed her a wide smile and a thumbs up.

"What are you guys talking about?" Shinji asked as Kensuke and him caught up with the rest of the group.

"Oh nothing, just about how suave you are, you crazy love machine you."

"Oh come ON," Shinji shouted. "It was only for a while, it meant absolutely nothing!"

Although no one noticed, since they were all paying attention to the drama between Shinji and Touji, Rei stuttered slightly in her walk.

"Ya don't have to be shy around me, I'm the one who planned it out remember?"

Shinji didn't know what to do. He was embarrassed out of his wits.

Hikari, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do. Grabbing Touji by the ear, she pinched him. Hard.

"Oww" Touji's demeanor instantly changed, he was now hunched over with his face contorted in pain.

"That's enough Suzuhara-kun. It's time for you to grow up and leave Ikari-kun be." She released Touji, much to his relief. She check her watch. "It's late, we should all be heading back."

_The rest of the group check their watches, and agreed. It was time to go home. Because of where they were situated in the city, Hikari, Touji, and Kensuke went one direction while Shinji, Rei and Asuka went another. The three of them walked silently to the train station, none of them spoke to one another._

The train station was almost deserted, which was strange considering how active Tokyo-3's night life usually is. The three of them bought tickets and waited patiently for the next train to arrive.

Shinji was looking at the train tracks, staring mindlessly as he waited for the train to arrive. It had been a long day, with many ups and downs. And he was tired. All he could really think about while he waited was two things. One of them has how tired he was and how good a nice warm bath would feel. The other thing was how soft Rei's hand was. He gripped his hand unconsciously, remembering how her hand felt in his.

He was so engrossed in remembering how her hand felt that he didn't notice how quickly time had passed.

Echoes of the approaching train vibrated through the empty station. And Shinji waited patiently for the train to come to a complete stop in front of him. The doors opened up and Shinji was just about to step on the train when Rei spoke up suddenly.

"Ikari-kun."

Shinji stopped in his tracks and turned around. Rei was staring back at him. But something was different. Her head was bowed slightly and she was looking downward half the time. It was almost as if something was troubling her.

"Yes, Ayanami-san?"

"Did our...holding hands...really mean nothing?" Rei asked, looking up at Shinji.

Asuka let out a groan and covered her face with her hands.

Shinji didn't understand what she was talking about, what did she mean holding hands meant absolutely nothing? But then he remembered what he said to Touji. "Oh, n-no! That's not what I meant at all!" Shinji quickly tried to explain. "I just didn't want to give Touji any Idea's about us... I mean, not that I-I wouldn't like the idea of us...w-what I'm trying to say i-is...err." Shinji struggled to explain to Rei what had happened. How could he explain to her that holding her hand wasn't just some pointless thing to him, but at the same time he was shy about Touji and everyone else making fun of him?

Asuka watched Shinji intellectually trip over himself. "My god he's hopeless." She mused as Shinji stuttered and groaned his explanation out to Rei. Sighing, she saw that the train was just about to depart. She checked her backpack to make sure that her Gameboy and walkman were inside, then she walked up to Rei and Shinji, who stopped talking and looked back at her.

"Asuka, what are you–." but he was cut short and Asuka pushed both him and Rei into the car. The both of them fell down and Shinji quickly sat up right. "Asuka! What was that for!?" Shinji moaned as he rubbed his now sore derier.

"Don't get any wrong ideas. I'm only doing this so I wouldn't have to listen to this retarded conversation on the way home. I'd much rather wait for the next train in peace."

And sure enough, the doors closed and the train started moving.

Once the train was out of sight Asuka sat down on a nearby bench and whipped out her Gameboy. At least its peaceful now, she thought, as long as she didn't have to deal with the two of them getting all retarded around each other she was more than happy to wait the extra time for the next train to arrive.


	5. Chapter 5

Cloud5

I always enjoyed riding on trains. It was usually peaceful. Although it was normally full of people, they always remained quiet; no one speaking to one another and just keeping to themselves. However, this train ride was different. I was not enjoying it.

Me and Ikari-kun were sitting on opposite sides of the train. Neither of us had spoken to each other once we sat down. I could tell that Ikari-kun was uncomfortable. He kept fidgeting and avoiding eye contact with me. I did not know why he was acting so strange. It was a different kind of feeling from the time when I woke him up from under the tree. This time it felt...wrong.

I tried to ignore the situation. I looked outside the window. I looked at the lights from buildings and streetlights that were streaking by as the train moved and shook towards its destination.

I wasn't at peace. When Ikari-kun said that us holding hands meant absolutely nothing, it... disturbed something deep inside me. I couldn't quite understand it but for some reason when he said that... it stuck with me.

I looked away from the window and stared at my hands. I did not know what happened to me when he said it. Or why I seemed to be so obsessed with his statement. I could not understand. He merely said that us holding hands at the movie theater was nothing more than coincidental physical contact. That it was of no significance.

I griped my hand and formed a fist. It didn't bother me, I felt completely fine and yet, something happened to me. I was different yet the same. I looked at Ikari-kun. Our eyes connected for a brief second before he quickly looked away. But he stopped himself and instead he looked at me straight in the eye and gave me a nervous smile.

I did not reciprocate his smile. His own smile faltered, then stopped. How was Ikari-kun feeling?

Fifteen minutes later the train started slowing down. It was Ikari-kun's stop.

He stood up. "I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow, Ayanami-san. Goodnight." he holstered his side bag and walked to the door.

"Ikari-kun." I said suddenly. He turned around to look at me, but as the train had begun slowing down, he lost his balance slightly.

"Yes, Ayanami?" he asked, once he had regained a stable footing.

I looked at him for a moment, one part of me wanted him to leave so I would hopefully revert back to me. But the other part...wanted to know. "Did...did it really mean nothing?" I asked him. It was a simple question. Illogical and insignificant, but I was compelled to ask.

Ikari-kun was unable to give me a simple answer. He blushed and turned away from me.

I waited patiently for him. Perhaps when he gave me an answer it would fix my situation as well. However a sudden bump in the train caused his bag to fall from his shoulder. It hit the floor with a soft thud, spilling its contents. Ikari-kun let out a little yelp, looked at me apologetically and kneeled down to pick up his school materials.

I was looking at his back when I noticed that I was breathing heavily. I was out of breath. Which surprised me but I ignored it. Then I noticed that I was perspiring. I touched my forehead and looked at the beads of sweat on my finger tips. And like a slap to the face I suddenly realized what was happening.

I quickly looked my watch. it was almost nine pm.

I had forgotten to take my pill.

For some reason, once I realized what was happening to me, the symptoms seemed to accelerate. My right arm began to tingle, and jerked a little bit. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down.

I groaned softly as I fell from my seat onto my knees on the floor. My breathing was getting harder. It felt like I was breathing into a plastic bag: air flowed through my lungs but I didn't feel the refreshing sensation of oxygen. I quickly looked back up at Ikari-kun, to see whether or not he had heard me fall, but he was still looking the other way.

I reached into my backpack to search for my bottle of medication. I pushed aside notebooks, pencils and papers but was unable to find it.

Why did this have to happen now of all times? I silently berated myself. I was foolish. How could I had been so careless that I forgot to take my medication? I had to look for it quickly, before my symptoms got too out of hand. However, my body had other ideas. My entire right arm froze; every single muscle in my arm suddenly contracted. And it hurt.

White pain flashed through my mind as I lost my senses. For a moment I didn't exist. I couldn't think, there was only white, which enveloped and consumed me. I opened my mouth to scream, to cry for help, for release. But no sound came.

The pain eventually subsided. When I came to, I found myself hunched over on the floor, right arm hanging limply from my side and my left arm clutching my abdomen. A trail of drool was hanging from my open mouth onto the floor. I struggled to control my gasps for air as I looked up at Ikari-kun, who was still looking the other way. How much time had passed? Two seconds? A minute? I couldn't tell. I half heartedly tried to look at my watch but I couldn't focus my eyes.

"Ayanami-san." Ikari-kun spoke suddenly.

With a snap I looked up at him. My eyes instantly focused. He just finished picking up his belongings and stood up. He was finally going to answer my question. But it didn't matter. He was not important anymore, I have to find my medication.

But then my mind began to clear. My entire body froze in shock as I realized what was happening. The familiar numbness around my head was beginning to fade away.

I quickly upturned my backpack, spilling its contents onto the floor. Quickly, before the medication completely wears off, I had to find my medication. Quickly.

Like water being sprayed on a mirror that was covered in mud, my mind cleared The fog was almost completely gone in my mind, there was no more numbness, no more filter, nothing to hold 'me' back. With a sudden snap, I felt my consciousness connect with me. I no longer felt like a bystander, watching my own life through someone else's body. But I was me. A flood of emotions coursed through me. Disgust, shame, disappointment, jealously, happiness, warmth, desire, hate, and countless others. But there was one particular emotion that was stronger than all the others; panic.

I didn't want him to see me like this.

"I think that..." Ikari-kun continued.

Don't look at me.

I staggered up to my legs. Using all of my strength to control my heaves, silencing them. I knew I had to look for my medication. But I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't let him see me like this. I was dirty. Covered in my own filth and patheticness.

"...well..." Ikari-kun mumbled, still unsure of how to explain his behavior. The train came to a stop and the doors opened.

I walked slowly to him, my shaking legs making the task much more difficult. Oh please, don't turn around. Don't look at me. A mix of saliva and tears dripped down from my face, which was contorted with pain and concentration. I felt bile rise up my throat but I managed to keep it down.

He started to turn around. In a flash I reacted. Before he was able to turn around completely, I jumped forward and pushed him out of the train. He fell forward and by some stroke of luck, the doors to the train closed just as he fell out.

I lay there, on the cold metal floor of the train. The train started moving.

Then, with a mad jerk, I threw myself towards my backpack. I needed to find my medication now. There wasn't a second to waste.

I violently pushed papers and notebooks aside, scattering them within the train. With wild sweeping motions I searched. I saw something orange in the corner of my eyes. I quickly grabbed the bottle and with strength I didn't know I possessed, lifted the bottle and smashed it onto the floor. It shattered, causing pills to shoot out and roll across the metallic floor. I quickly grabbed one of the pills , shoved it into my mouth and swallowed.

I instinctively curled into a fetal position and hugged my knees.

And I waited. I don't know how long I waited in that position, hugging myself and clenching my teeth so tight it felt like I was going to break my own jaw. But eventually, I felt my muscles start to relax. The tingling sensation slowly washed out of my body. I opened my eyes again; I was breathing normally. And finally, I felt my head start to numb. As if a thousand different screaming voices in my head were suddenly silenced. I clouded over again. Hiding myself from me. I was at peace.

* * *

I pushed myself into a sitting position and winced in pain. My hand was bleeding. It must've been from when I smashed the bottle onto the floor. I tore of a piece of my skirt with my teeth and wrapped it around my hand. That should stop the bleeding.

I surveyed the train. Papers, notebooks and school supplies were everywhere. I frowned. I had a lot of cleaning up to do. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a pack of tissues, wiped off my face and cleaned up my shirt. I grabbed all the papers on supplies on the floor and shoved them into my bag—I was too tired to pack it in properly.

I sat back down on the seat of the train and leaned back into my seat. The glass behind my head shook with each bounce of the train, banging against my head. But it didn't bother me. I was tired.

I let out a long drawn out sigh—that had been a close one.

* * *

Shinji watched as the train chugged away. Still dazed, he stayed on the floor, it wasn't until the train had disappeared out of sight before he made any effort to stand back up. He wasn't sure what had happened but it appeared that Rei had pushed him out of the train. And even if that was truly what had happened, as ridiculous as it may seem, he had no idea what could have motivated her to do such a thing.

He stood up, brushed down his clothes and picked up his backpack. What could have possibly caused her to push him out? He knew that he didn't trip or anything, as he vividly remembered the feeling of being pushed on his back as he fell forward. so it had to be that Rei pushed him. But why?

Maybe it was because he didn't answer her question quickly enough? Or maybe...was it because she didn't want to hear his answer.

Shinji sighed and looked at the train tracks. The station was silent now. He wasn't sure what had caused Rei to push him out of the train. "Was she angry at me?" Shinji asked himself. Shinji grimaced and rubbed his head. He felt horrible. As if he had let Rei down. He walked out of the station. It was going to be a long, depressing night.

* * *

"I'm home." Shinji said as he entered his apartment. He took of his shoes and placed then to the side of the door.

"And where have you been?"

Shinji looked up to see an unhappy Misato standing above him. She was wearing her usual home attire; a tank top and short shorts. But while this usually gave of a comfortable and relaxed vibe, the expression on Misato's face was anything but relaxed.

"Do you know..." Misato muttered, choking out her words. "Do you have any idea... any idea at all..."

Shinji's eyes grew wide. There were only two reasons why Misato would act like this. Either she was incredibly angry or...

"...how hungry I've been?" Misato wailed and slumped over, her stomach growling loudly.

Shinji let out a quite sigh.

"Today is your turn to cook, and you show up late." Misato looked at Shinji. "And you didn't bring back food either. Now either you march into the kitchen and make something for me and Pen Pen to eat, or..." Misato's words trailed off, letting Shinji's imagination do the rest of the work.

Needless to say, Shinji quickly went into the kitchen and started preparing dinner.

"Oh, by the way, where's Asuka?" Misato called out from the living room.

"Oh...ummm..." Shinji hesitated. He was unsure what to say. He could just tell her the truth, which was that Asuka found whatever that was happening between him and Rei annoying and decided to follow a later train. "She missed the train that I took." Or he could lie.

"Oh. Ok." Misato said. Satisfied with his explanation she went back to watching tv.

'Some guardian.' Shinji thought as he heard her flip through channels. He sighed and finished up the meal. Being tired he decided to make something easy tonight, curry. Not being hungry himself, he didn't make any for him. Although he did make some for Asuka, who was probably going to be tired and grumpy when she got home.

* * *

Shinji watched as Misato ate. Even if he wasn't hungry, Misato always insisted that they always sit on the table together. He didn't mind, really, but today he had a lot on his mind. And he'd much rather just go to his room so he could be lost in his thoughts.

Misato suddenly stopped eating and looked at Shinji, her mouth still full of food. After what seemed like a struggle to swallow the vast amount of food that was in her mouth, she asked him, "By the way, what took YOU so long to come home." Her eyes narrowed and she gave him a serious look. "You know that if you're going to do something you have to tell me ahead of time." Her look was put off by the rice that was stuck to the side of her cheek. But Shinji decided to not inform her of it.

"Me and a group of friends went to watch a movie." He replied.

Misato furrowed her brows and gave him a cold stare.

Shinji leaned back a little bit. "W-what's the matter?" He asked.

"You're not doing anything like drugs or drinking right?"

Shinji stared at Misato, before quickly telling her that he was, of course, not doing any such thing. He looked around the apartment. It was littered with beer cans. If he wanted to drink alcohol, this apartment was probably the easiest place to do so. However, Misato seemed satisfied with his response and resumed eating.

"He's not doing drugs or drinking, but he's probably doing something perverted."

Misato and Shinji both turned to look at the source of the voice. Asuka had just returned home.

"What do you mean, Asuka?" Misato asked her, staring at Shinji with a surprised look.

Asuka walked to the kitchen, got herself some rice and scooped some curry from the pot on her rice. She sat down at the table. "What? You mean this idiot here didn't tell you? It's the reason why I was late." She picked up her spoon and started eating.

"He told me that you were late because you missed the train." Shinji tried to get up and leave, but Misato shot him a look that made him sit back down obediently.

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Well of course he's going to make up something." She spoke between mouthfuls of food. She pointed her spoon at Shinji. "Do you think he's the kind of guy who'd admit to anything like that?" She sneered and continued to eat.

"So what actually happened?" Misato asked.

Asuka looked at Shinji. She could see that he was obviously feeling very uncomfortable with the situation. She softened her eyes to show him that she with sympathized him, that she understood how he was feeling. Shinji stared at Asuka, shocked that she would show such kindness, but was glad nonetheless. 'Too easy.' Asuka thought. She sneered, which drained Shinji's face of color, then turned to Misato. She jerked her thumb at Shinji, "Him and Rei, they hooked up."

Silence.

Shinji stood up from his seat, both hands still on the table. "No we didn't!"

"Uh-huh, sure you didn't." Asuka said. She kept eating her dinner and ignored Shinji's flustered state. "I'm sure you and her did absolutely nothing on that train alone together."Asuka snorted in disgust.

"Well, we absolutely didn't do anything. In fact, she pushed me out of the train, so there couldn't have been anything between us." Shinji replied. He crossed his arms and sat down defiantly.

Asuka stopped eating to look at Shinji. "Wonder girl PUSHED you out of the train?" She had a hard time believing what she had just heard. The usually quiet and docile Ayanami, had actually pushed Shinji out of the train? "Either something is wrong with her—" Asuka took a drink of water and burped loudly. "Or you did something, REALLY dumb." She finished.

Shinji's shoulders slumped.

"Man, you're pathetic." Asuka groaned. She stood up, and placed her dishes in the sink. "I'm going to shower and then go to bed, I don't think I can stand listening to your idiotic love life for another minute." Asuka said and left the room.

"Is this true, Shinji?" Misato spoke up suddenly. She had been quiet the whole time, simply listening to the conversation between Shinji and Asuka.

"W-well, it's not like we're together or anything. I mean..." Shinji blushed. "I guess she's kinda pretty. I mean, I never noticed it before but..."

Misato looked at Shinji. For a split second, Shinji thought he saw her face darken. But whatever it was, it disappeared in a flash. She Flashed one of her wide goofy grins and pinched Shinji's cheek. "Aww, Shinji-kun's all grown up now. So what have you done with her? You know about protection and everything right? Maybe it's time for..." Misato's voice trailed off, "...the talk."

Shinji pushed her hand away. "We didn't do anything. We're not a couple or anything, alright?"

"Then why did Asuka say that you two hooked up?"

"Because we were holding hands while watching a movie...." Shinji's voice trailed off, he realized that he had said something that he probably should've kept to himself. Especially when the person who heard it was Misato-san.

She grinned again. "Holding hands eh? I'm not sure how you young people understand relationships nowadays, but holding hands during a movie, I'm pretty sure that that means something."

Shinji blushed. He had no response to her statement.

"But back to what Asuka was saying, are you saying Rei PUSHED you out of the train?" Misato asked.

"Yeah...I'm not really such why she did so either...well..."

Misato gave an encouraging "Hmm?"

"Well, I kind of told people that us holding hands was nothing. Then she asked me if that was true and I had a hard time responding. Then she, well, I guess she pushed me out of the train." Shinji admitted.

Misato's jaw dropped. "You told her WHAT? Why would you say such a thing?" Misato asked, angry at what Shinji had told her.

Shinji held his hands in front of him. "I-I didn't mean to say it, I was just embarrassed because everyone was around..."

"Oh sure, of course. When you're just with the two of you it'd all great and sweet, but when you're with your friends, oh hey, guess what, it actually meant nothing. Men are all the same, each and every single one of them..."

Shinji sighed. Misato had begun one of her rants. Which, thankfully, usually meant that in a few moments he would be able to sneak away while she rambled on, talking to herself. And sure enough, when Misato eventually started rambling at Pen Pen, Shinji took this opportunity to sneak back to his room.

What was he going to do with the situation between him and Ayanami? His life had suddenly become much more complicated and he wasn't sure how to deal with it. "Do I...like her?" He asked himself.

Two sudden loud knocks came from his wall. "I can hear you talking to yourself you BAKA! Keep your lame emo love to yourself." Asuka shouted from the room over. Shinji waited a few moments until he was sure that Asuka was done.

He stood up to change into his pajamas. He would shower tomorrow, he reasoned, as he was feeling to tired right now.

As he lie down onto his bed, he couldn't help thinking to himself, what was going to happen tomorrow.

* * *

I arrived home to the familiar sound of construction. Once I entered my apartment, I sat down on a nearby chair. I was exhausted. My entire body felt sore and fatigued. Climbing up the stairs had been a chore in itself, taking much longer than usual and requiring some breaks between floors.

I check the time again. It was 9:46. I decided to take a shower. I got up from my chair, which took quite a bit of effort and entered the bathroom. I stripped myself of my clothes and was about to enter the shower when I noticed my bathroom mirror. It was dirty. Covered in grime and dust, I had never cleaned it. I looked at the mirror for a moment then picked up my dirty school uniform and started scrubbing on the mirror. It took a long time and a lot of effort but eventually I was able to get most of the dirt and grit off the mirror. I could see my reflection. My eyes were puffy and still red. I had bruises on my shoulder and legs; my hair was usually messy, but this time it was in utter chaos.

Today had been a close one. I had managed to find my medication just in time before the withdrawal symptoms got out of control.

I touched the mirror and slid my fingers down it; I looked at my hand.

Ikari-kun almost saw me in my state of withdrawal—when I was covered in my own saliva, writhing with pain on the floor. I felt my stomach flutter. My own reaction surprised me, whenever I think about Ikari-kun it affects me, bothers me...disturbs me.

And yet...

I slid my fingers up the mirror until eventually my palm rested flat upon it. I looked at myself—I stared into my own eyes.

And yet...I simply couldn't just stop thinking about him. I pressed my palm hard against the glass. Why?

When the medication lost its effect, even though I knew that I needed to take my medication right away...

I pushed against the glass harder, until the wound started to reopen. Small streaks of blood slid down the glass.

I didn't. I risked everything to push Ikari-kun out of the train so he wouldn't see me. I looked at my blood, which was slowly running down the mirror. Why did I push him out?

I removed my hand from the mirror. There was a small blotch of blood with trails leading down from where my hand was. Why did I take that risk?

I picked up my old uniform and half-heartedly tried to wipe away the blood. But I gave up halfway, deciding to leave the now smudged streak of blood on the mirror. I was too tired to care.

I entered the shower and relaxed as the warm water ran over my body.

What is happening to me?

* * *

Authors note: Sorry for the delay. TF2 is eating up my life. =/

And yes, I know patheticness isn't a word, but it just seems like it should be. Also, if anyone of you has any free time, I would like a pre-reader.


	6. Chapter 6

Eva 6

With a snap I opened my eyes.

It was quiet. The usual sound of machinery that I had become so acquainted to was nowhere to be heard, instead I was greeted with the long absent chirping of cicadas. Pushing off my blanket, I sat myself up—it was still dark and the sun was nowhere to be seen. I blinked a few times and realized I wasn't sleepy anymore, so I turned to the side and slid off my bed, wincing a little as my feet touched the cold floor. But I quickly became used to the sensation. Taking my blanket with me, I wrapped it around myself and up.

I walked over to the clock that sat on my counter and checked the time—it was 4 in the morning. Because I had woken up so early, my medication hadn't worn off yet. Kneeling by my backpack, I scavenged around inside it, pushing aside notebooks and pencils as I looked for the pills. Because I had broken the bottle yesterday in my feverish attempt to medicate myself I no longer had a container to keep them in. Didn't matter. My bag would suffice. Once I found a pill, I put it in my mouth, got a drink of water and swallowed. Now I wouldn't have to worry about withdrawal this morning.

I walked over to the window and placed the clock on the windowsill. It was dark, almost pitch black, with no indication that morning was only a few short hours away. Even the city lights, which were usually on 24/7 were reduced to a few select beacons on the very top of tall buildings and skyscrapers. I sat down and pulled my blanket tighter. The heating had broken a while back and had yet to be fixed.

Each tick of the clock reminded me of another minute passing...still four hours until I had to prepare to go to school.

School...

The incident yesterday with Ikari-kun had kept me awake last night. Wha would I say to him when I meet him at school today? Was he angry at me, I wondered. I tucked my legs up in front of me onto the chair and sat in a fetal position.

Why was I constantly thinking of him? Like a cancer that would slowly engulf surrounding cells, Ikari-kun had started to devour me. Whenever I tried to think of something else, or even try to not think at all, my thoughts would always go back to him. I felt..._lost _within myself. And I didn't know what to do. Even now, when I tried to think of something else—I couldn't. So I sat there, just looking out the window.

After some time I checked the clock: 4:36. I sighed, stood up and walked over to my bed. _There was no point in obsessing over something that I had no answer to_, I told myself once again. I turned on my lamp, but quickly turned it off again because it was much too bright for my comfort and stung my eyes. I sat down on my bed, leaned back and closed my eyes, shivering slightly in the cold.

* * *

With a snap I opened my eyes.

I was greeted with the usual sound of machinery that rang in the distance. I had fallen asleep again, I realized. I pushed myself up from the bed. Light was shining through the window and I could hear the sounds of cars and morning activities. I quickly checked the time: 9:35. I'm late for school! I jumped out of bed and changed my into my school uniform. Picking up my backpack, I ran out of my apartment. There was no need to lock the door. No one lived around here, and I didn't have anything of particular value.

I ran to the train station, got a ticket, and boarded just before the train left. As I got on I struggled to catch my breath. Even though I was in fairly good shape, the run from my apartment was still tiring to me. With a sudden jolt, the train started moving and I had to hold on to one of the hanging hoops to keep myself from falling down.

* * *

"I'm sorry for my late arrival." Rei apologized to the instructor, who gave her a curt nod and motioned for her to take her seat. She sat down and placed her notes and books on her desk and, in her usual fashion, stared out the window.

Shinji, however, found that he couldn't concentrate. He'd try to focus on what the sense was talking about and look at the blackboard, but he'd always eventually end up staring at Ayanami.

Shit. He forced himself to stare at the blackboard, having just caught himself staring at Rei again. He leaned back into his chair and fought the urge to look at her. She was constantly in his thoughts. When he wasn't looking at her, he was thinking about whether she was thinking about him or looking at him. And when he looked at her and found that if she wasn't looking at him, which was pretty much all the time, he would worry about why she wasn't looking at him, or if she was even thinking of him.

He groaned and tried to force himself to think of something else. PenPen, Kensuke's new action figure robot, Asuka's remark about how he should 'man up' this morning regarding his 'relationship' with Ayanami. Nothing seemed to work as he would always end up thinking of her. He peeked a glance at her again. She was still looking out the window.

"Doesn't she care about what happened yesterday at all?" Shinji wondered, frustrated. Here he was, constantly worried, thinking about what she was thinking and how she was feeling. But she, on the other hand, seemed normal, as if nothing was amiss.

He felt like a mess.

Is it possible that she didn't care about what happened yesterday? No, it's not. He reasoned—how could someone not care about something as incredible as what happened yesterday. Unless...maybe she was actually angry at him? Maybe she didn't look at him, didn't even think about him because she absolutely didn't want to have anything to do with him.

He rested his head against his table. Was that possible? If that was the case, then he'd have to fix it right away.

"I've got to apologize." He thought to himself.  


* * *

"Wait, really?" Kensuke asked Shinji in disbelief. Shinji had just told Touji and Kensuke about incident in the train ride back. Both of them were in shock about how Rei had pushed him out of the train. "You're saying that THE Ayanami Rei actually pushed you out of the train ride back home?"

The three of them were sitting at a table in the corner of the room. It was a couple of minutes before lunch and the professor, who was feeling rather tired, decided to give the class some free time before lunch.

"...Yeah...and I'm not even sure why she did it. I mean, well... I might have a potential reason to why she might've done it..." Shinji trailed off.

Touji jumped on Shinji's statement instantly "What is it? Spill the beans!"

"W-well. After the movie, when the both of us were sorta alone, well, Asuka was there, but that's not the point..." Shinji tried said.

"Stop stallin'." Touji growled.

Shinji gulped, nodded, and explained, "Well, Rei asked me if us holding hands meant nothing to me." Shinji noticed the blank look on both their faces so he elaborated, "Y'know how we were holding hands in the movie theater..." Shinji managed to say, feeling embarrassed as he said the last few words.

Touji and Kensuke both looked confused. "Why would she ask something like that?"

"Because when you both were acting like monkeys," Shinji glared at the both of them, "I happened to say that, well, that us holding hands meant nothing to fend the both of you off."

"OOOoooohhhh." Both Kensuke and Touji said in unison as they began to understand the situation "Well, that doesn't make it our fault," Touji said. "You should've just been honest and yelled out to the heavens how amazingly happy you were that you two were holding hands." Touji yelled out as he raised his arms and stood up.

"Yeah." Kensuke agreed. "She probably wouldn't be angry if instead of you saying how it didn't mean anything to you, you were telling the truth. Which was that while you were holding hands you were, you know, basically entering the diamond studded golden gates of nirvana." Kensuke said, going along with what Touji hadstarted.

"Shut up." Shinji groaned, the loud talking drawing the attention of other students, who quickly went back to their daily rituals.

"But on a more serious note—" Touji looked at Shinji, "yuh sayin' Rei 'pushed' ya out of the train?"

Shinji nodded.

"That's odd. She's never acted like that before."

"Well, what do you expect, after hearing what Shinji said," Kensuke glanced over at Shinji, "she must've been real angry. I mean, she's a girl. That's how girls are."

Although Shinji didn't agree with that statement, he nodded to avoid any unnecessary arguments. "So what should I do?" He finally asked.

Kensuke shrugged. Touji on the other hand, scoffed. "Women are like that, you don't have to apologize just because they're so weird. Be a man and stand your ground." he said resolutely.

"SUZUHARA!"

Touji's eyes grew wide as they recognized that voice. "Oh shit."

The class rep walked up to them, turned to Shinji and smiled—giving him a quick hello before she turned her focus back onto Touji. "What is the meaning of this?" Hikari pulled out a paper bag from his back pack." Touji's eyes grew wide.

"W-wait...how...but..." Touji stammered.

Shinji and Kensuke exchanged looks. The both of them oblivious to what was inside that paper bag. Fortunately for them, but not so much for Touji, they soon found out.

"How could you try and sneak in alcohol into school. Not only are you underage AND a student, but you're already on probation for bad behavior and grades. I cannot BELIEVE that you would try something as foolish as this, I have half a mind to inform the principle so you'll never set foot in this school again. I would have NEVER believed for a moment that you would try something like this." Hikari shrieked at Touji, drawing the attention of the class.

"B-but it was in celebration of Shinji and Ayanami's hooking up." Touji said weakly, who was now on his knees and head tucked under in a groveling pose.

"That is NO excuse." Hikari shouted, quivering with rage. "Come with me right now. I'm going to personally make sure you're on clean up duty for the next month—."

Touji looked up at Hikari. "For the next month? But—"

Hikari shot a look at Touji and he quickly tucked his head in and resumed his pose.

"No buts." She snarled. She then grabbed Touji on the ear, said bye sweetly to Shinji and Kensuke and proceeded to drag him out of the room. Much to his chagrin and pain.

"Damn..." Kensuke spoke up after Touji and Hikari were nowhere in sight. "I guess he certainly stood his ground."

* * *

"So what happened after you two left?" Kensuke asked Touji.

It was lunch break. The three of them were sitting on the roof of the school. They had their bento's out and were sitting in a near triangle, each facing the other.

"Whaddya think happened? I got th' yelling of my life." Touji said, rubbing his neck while he ate his lunch. "I don't think I ever saw her so angry before."

"Yeah." Kensuke agreed. "But it's a good thing that you took it like a man and stood up for yourself huh? Anything else would've been really embarrassing, not to mention contradicting to your own statement."

"Shaddap." Touji threw a riceball wrapper at Kensuke, who expertly dodged it. The three of them laughed.

Shinji was the first to put his food down. Touji, however, noticed that he had not finished his bento and had left intact, two croquets. He was about to stealthily steal one with a quick snatch from his chopsticks, but Shinji interrupted him first.

"Say, Touji." Shinji started. "Do you think I screwed up?"

Touji furrowed his brow and looked at Shinji, who was holding his bento and mindlessly staring into it. Touji sighed, placed his chopsticks on his bento and reached into his backpack. He pulled out a bottle of water and without a word, he unscrewed the cap and poured its contents over Shinji.

"WHOA! Hey—whah..!" Shinji jumped away from Touji, his head and clothes now wet. "What was that for?" He yelled.

Touji shrugged. "Feel better?"

Shinji stared at him. "No!" Shinji shouted. "How is this supposed to make me feel better? Now I'm down in the dumps AND wet."

"Well, shit, Sorry then." Touji apologized, "I kinda thought that you'd perk up and then we'd both have a good laugh." Touji said, giving Shinji an awkward grin.

"This isn't a comic book! It just doesn't work that way!"

Touji raised both his hands up. "Well, ok man. Here, tell you what, I'll let you have that last piece of croquet that you had left over."

Shinji looked at his bento, there was indeed, one croquet left. "I had two croquets left." Shinji growled. "What happened to the other one?"

Touji did a grin/grimace combination, laughed and shrugged his shoulders.

"Great, now I'm in a bad mood, wet AND hungry. What else could go wrong?"

Touji quickly snatched and ate the last croquet.

* * *

"Why are you wet?"

Shinji was standing in front of the class. Because Touji had eaten his last croquet, he ended up chasing him around the school. However, Shinji forgot that Touji was in much better shape in he was and all he succeeded in doing was winding up exhausted and late. Now here he was, standing in front of the class, Touji and Kensuke sitting at their respective seats grinning broadly.

"I—it was hot so...I poured water on my head to cool myself off." Shinji said awkwardly. It was probably one of the stupidest things that he'd ever said, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. He could've whined about how it was Touji who had poured water on him and eaten his last croquet. Sure, and be a rat.

The professor raised an eyebrow at Shinji's remark. For a moment he was unsure of what to do. Then he sighed and reached into his desk. He withdrew a hall pass and gave it to Shinji. "Go to the nurses office and get a towel. Come back when you're dry." He ordered.

Shinji nodded, bowed, and left the room. But before he left he took a quick glance at Rei's desk.

She was still looking outside.

'Damnit.' he thought to himself, frustrated.

* * *

Rei was at odds end. She didn't know what to do. One part of her wished that she never met Ikari. So that she could go back to doing things the way she usually did before she...changed.

But the other part of her didn't want to go back to the way she used to be. It was almost as if another part of her had awakened—another her was alive. She was still her usual self, she was a spectator to her own life. She was always medicated and always felt aloof. Separate from this world. But she had changed; she was constantly thinking of Ikari-kun.

When shes in bed trying to sleep, she'd be thinking of him. Standing in the train on her way to school, she was thinking of him. Eating lunch alone under a tree, she was thinking of him. Running in gym class—him. Taking notes in class—him.

Shinji was always on her mind. And it frustrated her. Her entire life had been one of blind emotionless devotion to NERV. A never ending loop of attacks, medication, and EVA. That is what she had grown accustomed to. It wasconstant and predictable. It was comfortable.

But Shinji had changed it.

Like a monkey wrench thrown into two interlocking cogs, she came to a sudden grinding stop. Rei tapped her head softly. She was again thinking too much about unnecessary things. Things that she couldn't fix.

Or could she?

Ever since what happened on the train, she had been thinking about Shinji. Even more so than usual. He was angry at her she concluded. He hadn't spoken to her all day, instead he would take many quick glances at her. Only looking, but never approaching her. Rei took a deep breath; everything was so complicated.

Rei took a quick glance at the professor, his back was turned and he was once again talking to the blackboard. Maybe now was a good opportunity to read that magazine. Before she arrived at school she happened to glance at a magazine being sold at a nearby convienience store. Normally she would have never paid any attention to it. But one of the articles caught her attention.

'How to deal with a new man in your life.' Rei read to herself, looking at the magazine. Perhaps she could find some answers in here. She looked at the professor again, making sure that he was still turned around. She then opened her laptop on her desk and placed the magazine on the screen. 'That should be enough to hide it' she thought. Rei flipped through the pages until she came to the article that she was searching for and started reading.

* * *

"Is that wonder girl...reading Seventeen magazine?" Asuka thought incredulously. She rubbed her eyes and looked again—but the magazine was still there. THE Ayanami Rei, the most ridiculously quiet, obedient, and stupid (in her opinion), girl on the planet was sitting in class reading Seventeen magazine while the professor wasn't looking. What the hell was going on? First she pushes Shinji out of the train for being a spineless wimp, now she's reading seventeen magazine.

She was almost acting...like a normal girl.

Unfortunately for Rei, while she was engrossed with reading her magazine, the professor noticed her. He silently walked up to her and stood in front of her desk and leaned over, looking to see what she was reading behind her laptop. Rei paused for a moment, noticing the shadow that was cast over her desk. She looked up to see the frowning face of the instructor looking down upon her.

Rei was at a loss for words. "...I...um..."

* * *

Shinji thanked the school nurse as he deposited his towel into a nearby basket. He bowed, left the office and walked back to his classroom.

'Guess it's time to face the music.' he thought as he neared his destination.

But he stopped walking suddenly. Rei was standing outside the classroom and was holding a bucket of water in her hands. "Isn't that for punishment?" Shinji wondered. What could Ayanami have done to make the professor punish her?

She hadn't noticed him yet and Shinji was at a lost for what to do. Should he apologize to her as he walked past? Ignore her? Maybe he should he simply say hi, walk into class and apologize to her later? No, that would be stupid, who says hi then apologizes later during the day? But then again, who apologizes while the other person is standing outside of homeroom with a bucket of water in her hands.

Shinji took a deep breath. "Ok, I can do this. Just suck it up and say you're sorry for your behavior on the train_"_ He psyched himself up. No chickening out now.

He started walking towards her—every step felt like his foot was attached to a block of concrete.

As he got closer to her, Rei noticed him. She wordlessly glanced over and looked at him from the corner of her eyes. Stoic as always, she didn't move her head.

He felt his pulse elevate. And the urge to ignore her and walk past rose suddenly within him. His throat clenched up. "You can do this, don't run away_._"

"A-ayanami-san." Shinji heard himself speak.

Rei stared at Shinji, who felt nervous underneath her gaze.

"Was her stare always this penetrating?" He wondered as he shifted uncomfortably, trying to get into a comfortable and non awkward standing position. Then, to his relief, Rei spoke.

"...Good afternoon, Ikari-kun." Rei said softly.

Shinji waited for a few moments, but she said nothing else. "Errr...so what happened? Why are you standing outside?" Shinji quickly asked, genuinely curious—he'd never seen Rei in any sort of disciplinary trouble before.

"I was...reading a magazine during class hours." She answered.

Ayanami? Reading a magazine? In class? Shinji was utterly confused. "Something is really weird here." he thought. "What were you reading?" he asked.

Rei was quiet for a few moments, as if unsure how to respond to Shinji's question. But she eventually did. "...Seventeen Magazine."

Seventeen Magazine. Ayanami Rei, pilot of unit 0 and is known as the First Child, was reading Seventeen Magazine. It was so strange, so abnormal, and a little funny. Shinji chuckled a little bit.

"Is something funny, Ikari-kun?" Rei asked.

"It's nothing, Ayanami-san," Shinji answered. "I just never thought I'd see the day where you'd get punished for reading a magazine in class."

Rei had no response to his statement, so she ignored it. "Shouldn't you go back into class?"

Shinji nodded, and before he realized what had happened, had walked into the classroom. 'Stupid, stupid STUPID.' he berated to himself as he sat down on his seat. Now it's going to be even harder to apologize to her.

* * *

I watched Ikari-kun walk into the classroom. I was...frustrated. I had intended to apologize to him just now. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything about what happened yesterday. Instead I said that he should've gone back to class.

Sighing, I closed my eyes. My shoulders were fatigued from holding the bucket of water and felt like they were burning. My head, however, felt like it was going to explode. I wanted to scream, to throw the bucket that I was currently holding out the window. When I told Ikari-kun that he should go back to class, I wanted to stop him, to tell him that I was sorry for what I did yesterday.

But I couldn't. All I was able to do was stand and watch as he walked back into class.

I leaned my head back. What is wrong with me?

* * *

EDITORS NOTE: I'd like to thank my pre-reader, Fanf1cFan, for going through and helping fix my many mistakes.

This chapter might seem a little wonky, but I found myself with little time to work on it and felt I need to release something quickly.

Anyways, hope you liked it. Next one coming soon.


	7. Chapter 7

Eva7

I watched the clock slowly tick, every second seemingly stretched out, taking an eternity. I was in the last hour of the last class for school today, then school would be over. I was anxious, I had to apologize to Ikari-kun for my behavior before the day ended. He was upset with me for the way I had acted and I needed to fix it. I knew deep down that if I didn't apologize to him today, it would continue to bother me. I had to get it over with, I had to apologize.

But time seemed to move incredibly slowly. I had already missed one opportunity during my...punishment. I was not ready to miss another one, I would have to apologize to him right away.

I rested my face on my hand and looked out the window. Class was almost over...almost...

* * *

The soft chime of the school bell rang out through the halls, causing the professor to suddenly stop his lecture in its tracks. He pushed his glasses up, placed his belongings in his suitcase and said, "See you tomorrow.", with a half-hearted wave and walked out of the room. School was finally over. I quickly packed my belongings into my backpack and looked around. Ikari-kun was still here, albeit surrounded Touji and Kensuke who were talking to a fairly large group of students. It didn't matter, I was going to apologize to him right now before I lost this chance. I grabbed my bag and walked up to him, slipping through the small crowd of students. He noticed me and looked up.

"Ikari-kun." I spoke up, which caused the students nearby to quit talking suddenly. It was odd how everyone acted when I spoke. Even Suzuhara and Aida-kun were quiet, watching me with keen interest. I had the attention of the whole class. But I ignored them.

"Y-yes, Ayanami-san?" Ikari-kun said. He fidgeted, obviously uncomfortable with the situation he suddenly found himself in. He was looking around nervously, doing quick glances at all the students that were staring at the both of us before looking back up at me again.

Something felt wrong, as if I was about to make a terrible mistake. I should stop, I told myself, there will be other occasions to apologize to him. I felt my throat clench and my tongue dry up, I wasn't going to stop. I had made my decision to apologize.

"...I..."

I got caught in my own voice. I was...nervous. And for some reason, when I hesitated it got the whole class even more interested in what was going on. Some of them even stood up and walked a little bit closer to be able to hear more clearly. Ikari-kun and I were at the center of attention in class, but I ignored them. I looked at Ikari-kun and was a little taken aback by what I saw. He was nervous, as If he didn't want to be here. But before I could stop myself, I spoke.

"Ikari-kun, I'm sorry for what happened yesterday," I said. His eyes grew wide, "I am sorry for pushing you out of the train...just before you were about to answer my question regarding your feelings toward me...."

Ikari-kun eyes grew huge as I talked, as did the eyes of those around us.

"But I assure you, I had a good reason to do it...I...I am sorry." I did a little bow after my apology. There. It was done, I had finally apologized to Ikari-kun. I felt...relieved. As if a massive weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I stood myself upright and looked at Ikari-kun, expecting him to feel the same relief that I had felt, but instead, I had the weight fall back upon my shoulders. Ten fold.

Ikari-kun was staring at me, eyes so wide they were almost round. After a few seconds he snapped out of his trance and looked around the room, only to see his fellow classmates staring at the both of us.

His eyes snapped back to mine.

He opened his mouth, and hesitated for the smallest moment before finding his words. "I-I don't know what you are talking about, Ayanami-san." he looked around the classroom again, people were still staring at us, "...but you're misunderstanding something. Nothing happened, we're just friends." Shinji finished loudly, enough for the entire class to hear.

In the background, Touji and Kensuke winced and groaned softly.

I, however, did not. Instead, I bowed again, "Sorry for the...misunderstanding." And I left the room.

I had done it, I apologized. And Ikari-kun confirmed his actual feelings toward me. There was nothing between us.

I walked out of the campus.

Now I would be able to go back to my normal routine. No more thinking about Ikari-kun. No more staying up at night thinking about what he was thinking. This was what had I wanted, for everything to go back to normal.

Wasn't it? I now knew exactly what Ikari-kun felt about me—how he viewed me in his eyes. I no longer had to concern myself with it. I could now go back to what I used to be.

Once I reached the train station, I bought a ticket and waited patiently for the next train to come. Like a subterranean beast, the train approached with a loud howl, before coming to a grinding stop in front of me and opened its doors. I walked in and took a seat. After a few moments the doors closed, and the train jolted and started accelerating.

My arm was sore, I realized. Looking at my hand, which was clenched tightly into a fist, I noticed that the bandages that I had wrapped around it yesterday were stained dark red. I tried to unclenched my fist but was only able to relax my arm enough to barely be able to remove a small portion of the bandages from my hand. Pulling the ends of the bandages out, I let the ribbon of red, blood soaked cloth fall onto the floor of the train. My wound had reopened—and since I had removed the bandages, it was now starting to bleed down my arm. A couple passengers, seeing my wound, started to point and mutter amongst themselves. I ignored them, and tried to fully unclench my fist. However, It wouldn't relax and I had to use my other hand to pull my fingers apart. After I finally managed to pull my fingers apart, I realized that I had been clenching my hand since I left school. The resulting tension had probably caused the wound to reopen.

With the soaked bandages on the dirty floor of the train, I had no way to stop the bleeding or even clean up the blood that was already running down my arm.

I stared at my hand. Everything should be going back to normal. But why...did I feel like I was falling apart?

-----

"Dude, what the hell , man?" Touji shouted at Shinji. "How the hell could you do that to her?" Touji was furious at Shinji, who had basically shot down Ayanami in front of the whole class. Not only did he dismiss her apology, but he had rejected her in front of the whole class, only to save his own skin. And that's what had pissed Touji off the most. To his credit, however, he had patiently waited for the three of them to leave the school grounds first before he lashed out at Shinji. "How could you do that to her? In front of the whole class too! I thought you liked her!" In his frustration, he pushed Shinji, who flew backwards and fell onto the floor.

Shinji quickly sat up and instinctively raised an arm to protect himself. But quickly lowered it when he saw that Touji was standing and not advancing towards him. "B-but, I didn't know what to do. It was too public. Everyone was staring at me and I just didn't know what to do. I choked, OK?" Shinji said.

"Like that's an excuse." Touji spat, "You're a coward, that's what you are, shooting a girl down in front of the class to protect your own skin."

"Touji," Kensuke stepped in front of him, "that's enough." He had known Touji long enough to know when exactly to stop in and stop him before things got out of hand. And Touji was getting himself riled up.

Touji looked at Kensuke, then at Shinji, who was sitting on the ground, panting and looking at the floor. Letting out an aggravated grunt, he walked over to a nearby trashcan and kicked it as hard as he could. It flew a good couple feet before hitting the floor and rolled to a stop. Kensuke cringed, and waited for a few moments, but thankfully, it appeared that no one heard it.

He turned to Shinji and offered a hand to him. Shinji hesitated for a moment but then accepted it and pulled himself up. Once he was on his feet again, he noticed that he had gotten dirty from the fall and he dusted himself off.

After a few moments, Touji finally turned around and faced the two. He had calmed down and was in a much more stable state of mind but his face held a frown as he walked up to Shinji and grabbed his shirt collar. Fearing the worst, Kensuke got ready to separate the two friends again. But to his relief, Touji did not beat him down. Rather, he pulled Shinji to his belongings, picked them up and put them in Shinji's hands.

Confused, Shinji looked back at Touji, who was busy picking up his own belongings. Putting his backpack on, Touji finally spoke. "We're going to Ayanami's apartment," he glanced down at Shinji, who's jaw had fallen, his mouth agape, "and YOU'RE going to apologize to her."

Shinji was just about to protest, but he was silenced by a quick glare from Touji.

Nothing like killing intent to get you motivated to do something.

* * *

I wandered around Tokyo-3 aimlessly. It was late at night. I had skipped my stop, instead choosing to ride the train until I was deep in the heart of the city.

I didn't want to go back to my apartment.

So instead I got off at a random stop. I didn't know where I was, as I didn't bother to read any of the signs as I exited the train. But It didn't matter, as long as I wasn't in my apartment.

I walked through a sea of people. Everyone looked so...happy. Most of them were smiling, laughing, talking with others about upcoming plans, about things they enjoyed. People talked about bars, clubs, baths, restaurants, family, friends, lovers. Everyone was chattering happily, but it white noise to my ears—I was in a sea of people. Yet, I was a vacuum. I felt empty, as if I was simply just walking skin, I felt hollow; obsolete.

I stared at my feet as I walked, ignoring the crowd that surrounded me. I didn't know what to do. I did, however, manage to stop my bleeding after getting off the train by tearing off a piece of my skirt and wrapping it around my hand. It was crude, but it worked.

I stopped walking suddenly and stood still, staring down at the ground. Several people approached me, asking me if I was ok. I ignored them, refusing to even acknowledge their presence as I...was unable to. I felt myself fading away. I looked up, I was in the middle of the city. Bright neon lights were flashing everywhere, people walked around me, store owners were shouting out in the streets, trying to attract more customers.

But I was so alone—and it was now, surrounded by thousands of people in one of the city's busiest moments, that I realized this. I felt myself being crushed. I crouched down in the middle of the sidewalk, holding my face in my palms, ignoring the remarks and whispers from passerby's. I let my backpack drop from my shoulders, causing a small thud as it hit the floor.

I felt powerless, insignificant. Like a piece of sand lost in the enormity of space, I was nothing. I felt my fingernails dig into my scalp as my grip tightened and my breathing intensified. I was alone. There was no one for me. No one was with me, or would ever be with me. I was nothing. I was pointless. Meaningless. Futile. Hollow. Useless.

My mind was caving in.

I am suffocating.

"Are you OK miss?" a voice asked.

I felt someone grab my shoulder and with a snap my eyes opened, my consciousness instantly coming back to me. I pulled my arms away from my face. The underlines of my fingernails were red—I had drawn blood.

"Are you OK? Can you hear me? Are you lost? What is your name?" the voice continued. Ignoring it, I picked up my backpack, slung it over my shoulder, and stood up. A crowd had gathered around me while I was on the ground. I looked at the person who had grabbed my shoulder. It was the owner of a nearby Oden store. "Are you ok miss?" The store owner asked again, after I had stood up.

"I'm fine." I replied. I jerked my shoulder away from his hand, apologized to him and proceeded to walk away.

"Kid's these days..." I heard the man say as I walked away. I did not want to be around anyone. I wanted to be by myself, with no distractions. I wanted...peace.

After a couple of moments walking, I noticed a small alley in between two buildings. I peered inside. Empty. I walked in and sat down, leaning against one of the walls.

And that's when it hit me. Like a vine slowly crawling up my spine, I felt the beginnings of the withdrawal symptoms creeping onto my body. I reached into my backpack and felt around for the pills, searching frantically with my hand. After I was certain that I had found all the pills within my backpack, I withdrew my hand. I had found 8 pills.

These pills were peace, oblivion—at least they used to be. I put one of the pills in my mouth and swallowed it dry. I looked at my hand, seven pills left. In these seven pills were peace, serenity and simplicity. My life was chaos. I lay down on the gravel floor. It was wet but I didn't care. Taking one pill at a time doesn't seem to have the same effect as it usually did. Why was I hurting...so much. I Opened my mouth and placed another pill and swallowed. I had six pills left.

I looked up to the sky. There were no stars, I noticed. The lights from the city was far too bright and blocked all signs of natural light. I waited for a couple of moments until I felt the first signs of the medication wash over my body. I felt at ease, relaxed. I felt some of my worry flow away from me as my head cleared and my body felt light again. I never wanted to feel what I felt today again, the confusion, the helplessness. I lifted my arm to the sky, it was a black silhouette against the bright city lights. I was beginning to feel at peace now and I wanted it to stay that way. I placed another pill in my mouth; five pills left.

A place with no pain, no confusion, no feelings—nothing. Nothing to feel, nothing to fear, nothing to despair over. Nothing to hurt.

Four pills left.

I felt my mind cloud over. As if my consciousness was slowly withdrawing into myself, I felt myself fade.

Three pills left.

Was I going to die? I had been instructed to take my medication at regular intervals, but I was also warned not to take them too often.

Two pills left.

I didn't matter. Even if I died I would be replaced. There would be a new me, I was expendable.

One pill left.

A new me, would be created, one that will see Ikari-kun every day, instead of me. Piloting Unit 0 next to him.

Would he know? Would he know that this new me...isn't me. Would he ever know the difference between us. Would he even know that I'm here, lying on the wet gravel staring up into the sky. And as I swallowed my last pill, I wondered why I couldn't stop thinking about him.

No pills left.

* * *

"No one is answering." Touji said, frowning as he pressed the doorbell for the second time.

Shinji pushed Touji's hand away. "That's because it's broken." He said. He raised his hand and knocked three times on the door. There was no response.

"Does she ever go anywhere else after school?" Touji asked Shinji.

"I don't think so," Shinji said, "unless she went to NERV, but I didn't get a notification from them."

Touji frowned again.

"I guess we'll just have to leave and come back another time." Shinji said, shrugging his shoulders in defeat. Touji, however, had other ideas. He grabbed Shinji's collar to prevent him from walking away.

"We're going to go wait inside for her until she comes back." he declared.

Shinji's face turned bright red. "I-I don't think we should go inside without her permission to enter." he argued, memories of a certain 'incident' coming up to mind when he entered her apartment without her permission. Needless to say, he wasn't looking forward to having to experience something like that again. Well, maybe just a little.

Touji ignored Shinji's excuse, opened the door to Rei's apartment and pushed both Shinji and Kensuke in it. "She's going to have to come back eventually, and I'm going to make sure that you apologize to her as soon as possible." He enter the apartment, making sure to close the door behind him. It was dark in her apartment and a little damp. _This is a girl's apartment?_ Was Touji's initial thought when he entered. Usually girls would have cute dolls and bright wall papers with posters of their favorite artists and bands. Instead, this apartment was filthy. It was messy and obviously had not been cleaned in a very long time. But then again, Rei wasn't exactly what you could call a usual girl

The group took off their shoes and tiptoed inside, making sure to avoid stepping on any pieces of trash in their careful trek. Her room was an absolute mess. There was clothing on the floor, bandages and tissues were scattered throughout the room, dirt, dishes, and stains. "How did Shinji fall for a girl like this?" Touji wondered to himself as he looked around the room. He definitely couldn't. Any girl that was going to go out with him had to be clean and orderly.

"Sooo..." Kensuke said, breaking the silence of the three friends that were standing in the room, "are we going to sit down or are we going to just stand here until she comes back?" The three of them looked down at the floor and quickly discarded that particular idea.

"We could sit there..." Touji suggested, pointing over to a dirty, unkempt bed in the middle of the room. Its blanket was on the floor, lying in a puddle of water.

"I think that might be disrespectful." Kensuke said.

"Well, there's a chair over there by the window..." Touji mentioned.

Shinji, however, had different ideas. He walked to the kitchen and looked under the sink cabinet. There was a packet of plastic bags, same as last time. He pulled one of the bags out and walked back into the bedroom. Without saying a word, Shinji started to clean up Rei's room.

"What are you doin', Shinji?" Kensuke asked him.

Shinji stopped cleaning and looked at the other two people, who were staring at him. "Oh...I'm just cleaning up."

The both of them didn't say a word.

"I-I uhhh, I just wanted to do something nice." He explained.

Touji and Kensuke both stood silently for a moment before shrugging and kneeling down and helping Shinji. After all, they had entered without her permission, maybe cleaning up a little would help ease any potential trouble.

"She better be happy that we cleaned up her room when she gets back." Touji grumbled as he picked up a dirty piece of wet cloth with his finger tips and threw it into the bag.

Shinji smiled has he cleaned up. "She will be."

* * *

I was in Thailand for a whole month. Sorry for the delay. Once again, thanks to my prereader!


	8. Chapter 8

Eva8

It took a long time. A very, very long time. But after several hours, the three boys managed to clean up Rei's apartment. Granted, there was no way that it would ever be as clean as it was when it was brand new and unused, but at least her apartment was looking a lot better. There was no longer any trash on the floor, all the dirt, grease and questionable fluids have been cleaned up, the kitchen and dishes were clean, and even her bed was made. It had taken a lot of elbow grease, and some money to wash all the laundry, but the three boys had done what they had initially considered to be impossible. They had cleaned this apartment.

"You know, no matter how many times I look around I'm still proud of myself." Touji exclaimed happily as he sat on the floor. "I mean, who would've ever known that we could've turned what that apartment used to be, into 'this'." he said, opening his arms up in emphasis.

Shinji, who was also sitting on the floor, couldn't agree more. "Yeah, I think we did a good job here." His whole body was sore from all the cleaning that he had done and was taking a well deserved rest.

Kensuke looked Shinji. "Good job? Good job? We cleaned the uncleanable. We washed the...unwashable," All three boys grimaced. He stood up, wobbled from fatigue, but quickly regained his balance and continued, "Gentlemen, we've gone where no man has gone before, quite literally I believe, and taken this...monstrosity of an apartment, and turned it into something that *isn't* absolutely disgusting. Friends, we did something incredible."

"Yeah, yeah, cut it out, you're being retarded." Touji said, rolling his eyes. He looked at Shinji and noticed that he was looking at the floor with a worried expression on his face. "What's wrong?" Touji asked.

Shinji looked up at Touji, before glancing over at the nearby clock in Ayanami's room. "It's almost eight o'clock . . . and Ayanami still isn't back yet." Shinji replied, concern hanging heavily in his voice.

Touji looked at the clock, then looked outside. It was dark. "Does she usually come back this late?" Touji asked. Since Ayanami, like Shinji was part of NERV does that mean that they sometimes have to spend late nights at HQ or something?

Shinji frowned. "Not that I know of, I mean, I guess if there was something going on at NERV or something then she might be staying late, but I haven't heard anything."

Touji frowned.

"But then again, it wouldn't be surprising if she was at NERV at this very moment." Shinji said, offering a possible explanation.

Touji nodded accepting the explanation that Shinji offered. But all three boys in the room felt that there was something very wrong going on.

* * *

Kensuke looked up at the clock again. "It's nine o'clock." he announced.

It had been an uncomfortable hour. Now that everyone was done cleaning up the apartment, they didn't have anything to do. So instead all they did was sit in awkward silence as Shinji went through an internal guilt trip.

Shinji sighed, and slumped forward. He had called Misato to ask her about Rei's whereabouts, but she had informed him that she had not been come to NERV all day.

Shinji cradled his face in his hands. Was it his fault?

* * *

Misato stood patiently as Commander Ikari sat in silence. After Shinji's phone call to her asking about Rei's whereabouts, she immediately called recon units 4 and 5, who were in charge of supervising Rei's walk home from school every day. And to her utter shock and disgust, she found out that they had "missed" Rei and had not seen her leave school grounds. Idiots!

With the whereabouts of Rei unknown, she had no choice but to inform Commander Ikari, of the situation.

Ikari leaned forward with his hands clasped together in front of his face. "I assume you've already dispatched recon units?"

"Yes Sir," Misato quickly answered. "I've dispatched 14 recon units to search downtown Tokyo-3 and an additional 12 units to search the suburbs and all rural areas extending 14 kilometers from the city.

Ikari nodded and said nothing.

Although Misato was bold and professional in the face of attacking, she was always unnerved whenever Commander Ikari turned silent.

After a few horrible moments, Ikari dismissed her from his office.

Misato hesitated for a split second, going through an internal struggle. Ikari noticed this, but remained silent as Misato bowed, turned around and left his office.

She had been struggling about whether or not to inform Commander Ikari that it was Shinji who had told her, and that he was at her very apartment at this very moment. It seemed completely innocent, of nothing of significance to actually inform Commander Ikari of. But Rei was missing, and maybe every single bit of information would help. But, she chose not to tell the Commander,who, she was pretty sure, knew that she was withholding information from him.

* * *

"Alright, there is only one thing to do now." Touji said as he stood up quickly. The three of them had been sitting in a little circle in the middle of the room, waiting for Rei's hopeful return. However, it was now almost ten and there was no sign the Rei was returning. Then, out of nowhere, Touji made a decision and suddenly sat up and started talking. "Were going to have to go look for her."

Shinji couldn't believe that it was almost 10, where could she—. Wait what? "Go look for her?" Shinji questioned as Touji's words started crystallizing in his psyche, snapping him out of his train of thought.

Touji nodded. "Yep, we're going to have to start looking for her. Tokyo-3 isn't the kinda city a heartbroken girl should be walking around in at night, we're gonna have to make sure that she's ok."

Shinji, however, wasn't quite as enthusiastic. "Go look for her? But it's almost ten!"

"Yeah, it's kinda ridiculous," Touji admitted, shrugging his shoulders, "looking for a single girl in this entire city. But you know what? This is your fault. And I'm not sayin' that to make you feel bad, but can you honestly go back to your apartment and go to sleep known' that Ayanami might be out there somewhere, maybe in trouble. And you didn't even TRY to find her? I know this is stupid, probably pointless too, but this is something we should all do," he looked over and Kensuke, "whether or not we did anything. Because I don't know about you guys, but there's no way I can go back home knowing that I didn't even try to help."

Shinji sat for a moment, then looked up at Touji. "You're right." he admitted. "We've got to go look for her."

* * *

But the problem was, where would they start looking? Tokyo-3 wasn't the worlds largest city, but it was still huge. Especially for three teenagers without a real mode of transportation. Forget where to start, getting around would be a problem in its own.

The three of them sat at a nearby train station, discussing how they were going to start their search. Although they were originally inclined to stick together, they ultimately decided that the best course of action would be for them to split up, thus effectively tripling their chances of finding Rei. When it came to where each person would search, Kensuke volunteered to search the rural outskirts of Tokyo-3, as he was very much used to trekking in the forests due to his "military games" that he'd renact. Shinji was going to search in the suburbs, and Touji, was going to search in downtown Tokyo-3. As they agreed on the plan, they got onto their respective trains and split up. They all knew that it was going to be a very long, and futile night.

* * *

Touji sat silently on the train. He was already tired before the search had actually began. His job was to search pretty much all of Tokyo-3. True, he had talked big about how they had to search for Rei no matter what, but to be honest, he was a little bit worried. He had no idea where to even start looking for Rei in this huge city. And while caught up in his own self-rightous rant, he had actually convinced everyone to sweep through all of Tokyo-3 to search for Rei. Maybe he bit off more than he could chew this time. His thoughts and concerns were cut short as the trains brakes shrieked.

He slung his backpack onto his shoulder and walked out of the train once it had come to a complete stop.

_Man, Tokyo-3 was a lot bigger than I __thought__._ Touji looked at the towering skyscrapers and gigantic industrial and commercial buildings that surrounded him. _And I've got to look for her in *this*._ Even though it was somewhat late, around 10 pm, the city was still very much alive with the hustle and bustle of people. Talk about taking a bite bigger than you can chew. How was he going to find her?

* * *

Shinji felt horrible.

He felt absolutely disgusting. Guilt was borrowing into him, through his skin and into the core of his body.

_Is this really happening?_ he wondered as he walked through the suburbs of Tokyo-3. He had yet to knock on any doors to ask the whereabouts , or even seriously search for Ayanami. He was too busy wallowing in his self pity for what he had done. It was his fault that this was happening, if he hadn't been such jerk to Ayanami when she was talking to him, then all of this wouldn't have happened. What if something happened to her? What if he had hurt her so badly that she had run away, or doing something utterly stupid?

But could he really hurt her? Did his statement actually hurt her? Ayanami was always very...indifferent, even regarding her own life and purpose for existence. Did what he say actually effect her? Was it his fault?

Shinji sat on a nearby bench. His legs were tired from walking around for the past hour. Unlike downtown Tokyo-3, which he could see from his current location, it was dark and quiet here in the suburbs. Most people here were either asleep, or getting ready to go to sleep. Shinji wished that he was asleep. At least that way he'd be in a comfortable bed and not thinking.

He was so tired.

*****

Short, I know. But what can I say?

Thanks again to my prereader, Fanf1cFan


End file.
